Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "thinking life's allot like super Mario bros, gotta slay a few dragons to get to the princess"

   ...If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

   The "Oprah Winfrey show" ends in 2011. No wonder the Americans think the world will end in 2012.

   Dear parent constantly bragging about your kid on Facebook, everybody else is rooting for your kid to fail.

   Hey Florida, if you need an Ark, I Noah guy!!

   make America Native again makes more sense, it was Never white and you know it, but denial tends to dominate your mind. go back to Europe. The more you disagree with this the more you prove your denial. Ready set go.

   "The Goddess that is Judge Judy"....said no one ever.

   Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt - people writing on walls and worshiping cats

   you should only be able to change your relationship status once every 30 days!

   it sad that the plans I make after work depend on how much charge I have left in my phone battery?

   Guys, don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. Also, if you don't give her attention someone else will. It's really simple.

   BJ’s after marriage are like Big Foot. Heard of but never seen…

   I came so hard earlier today my index finger is still bragging about it

   Having sex is like vacuuming; It should be loud enough to scare your pets, involve a whole lot of sucking, and it's best if you do it often in every room of the house.

   My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

   ***BREAKING*** Jodi Arias found GUILTY of 1st Degree Murder, Now lets find them 3 kidnapping brothers guilty too!

   Wow, that's a nice looking pair of crocs!" - Said by no one. Ever.

   Hey, I just met you and girl you look crazy. What brands your make up, Crayola maybe?

   I like my women like I like my glasses, sitting on my face

   "Pew pew pew! Pew pew!" - excitable church architect.