Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.

   Going through my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.

   Facebook should invent a relationship status that says "Only when i'm drunk."

   I'm pretty sure there's a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED.....

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   Dear guy that invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..

   Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.

   Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

   So sad that out of 200 countries in this world,, America ranks 35th in the world in math... But at least that keeps us still in the top 10%

   Don't expect a bless you on the 5th sneeze, get that sh*t under conrtol

   Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your relationship status to 'single' and wait 5 minutes.

   My Wife says I'm too Immature, and if I don't Grow Up it's going to erect a barrier between us .....Hee Hee Hee....Erect

   Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?(A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there {C} Can't Complain! (D) Dang! (DD) Double Dang! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H)Help me, I've fallen and I can't g

   If you were stranded on a deserted island with only a solar powered cd player, and a bieber cd........ how would you kill yourself?

   Walmart Owner: "Ok, So here's the plan.We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them.It can't fail!"

   A positive to being overweight: you fill the bathtub up real quick, and save money on your water bill.

   if you're just gonna quit going to the gym in a couple weeks then please don't pack the gyms now. thanks!

   People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.