Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We naturally want a girl in our lives. Girls only like ass-holes. Guys become ass-holes to adjust. It's natural. Don't blame us.

   My phone acts like it's been violated by my computer. Everytime I plug it in it asks me if i'm sure I can trust the computer. Drama queen.

   I think premature male baldness should be the next race card..

   When I said I was good in the kitchen, I assumed you meant being bent over the dishwasher.

   I should sell t-shirts "I survived the Polar Vortex of 2014"...

   My dog acts like every leaf blowing in the wind outside our door is going to murder his entire family. It's like, grow up

   Coronavirus Deaths: 216,000 Medical Malpractice Deaths: 400,000 You're safer getting Covid than going to the doctor.

   If your choice ever gets down between a "Liar" and an "Orangutan" .... You should know that even an Orangutan can be controlled ..... but a Liar .... Will.... ALWAYS ... deceive......

   Iran bans on all Americans from entering their country. So much for my "Tehran Endless Beach Tour". Sandy beaches, everywhere, as far as the eye can see. So sad.

   I was going to moving to Russia if Hillary won the election. . .

   Donald Trump and I have managed to get the same number of bills through congress.

   Even if you don't believe in the Mayan calender, somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking "I wonder if that sh!ts for real".....

   If you ever want to feel stupid, read your Facebook status updates to someone who isn't on Facebook.

   Being a FEMALE is a matter of BIRTH, being a WOMAN is a matter of AGE, but being a LADY is a matter of CHOICE...

   Say what you will about Michael Jackson....but at least he wasn't nosey.

   One time I smashed my face into the keyboard and accidentally wrote the 4th Twilight book.

   SAD NEWS in the music world, Solja Boy is working on a new album.

   Doesn't seem like a good sign that I asked for a to-go box at this Mexican restaurant, and they brought me a casket.

   Making mental notes with a pen isn't very smart. I've got ink on my forehead now.

   Happy Birthday to one of the greatest athletes EVER ..Muhammad Ali ...Happy 70th