Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tony Orlando loved to eat at the crack of Dawn.

   facebook has allowed me to bring my "he's a distraction to the rest of the class" from school to a global scale

   I see someone failed the 'Ice Chris Brown Challenge'...

   I just shook my keyboard upside down... Breakfast is served.

   Don't you find it strange Kim Jong-il has a new Boeing 777 flying around North Korea?

   I find it very curious how quickly the Bundy ranch standoff was resolve once Hary Reid's involvement with the Chinese Gov't to develop the same ranch land was discovered ..... LOL

   Black guys covered in tattoos just look paisley now.

   sex with my ex was so terrible that I would intentionally give myself whiskey d*ck.

   I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......

   One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.

   Why the hell don’t liquor stores have Black Friday sales?

   What I wanted to do in 2015: drink water and eat healthy. What I actually did in 2015: drink margaritas and eat tacos.

   When I undress you with my eyes I immediately redress you with my eyes because it's January and very cold out.. and I have very considerate eyes.

   Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're proably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try!

   I would start smoking meth if that's what it took to get another season of Breaking Bad.

   Does the Spanish version of Match.com say "Find the Juan for you."?

   Sometimes I'll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.

   Skinny jeans should not have pockets.

   Life has handed me a lot of things. Except lemons. The great mystery of life for me has not been "Why are we here?" or "What is my purpose?". Actually I'd be happy just finding out where exactly the free lemon line is.

   After our breakup, my ex once begged me over and over again to go out, or as my lawyer called it "Violating a Protection Order"