Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anytime something goes wrong and everyone looks at you just jump out your seat and yell "Mortal Kombat!!" while beating on your chest! That should clear the room nicely.

   Well, it looks like Ebola has taken a break from mass hysteria to let us celebrate Thanksgiving.

   Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don't know what to do

   You know you've grown up when a nap is no longer a punishment, but a reward.

   Sticks and stones may hurt my bones but names will never hurt me....simple advice to Islamic extremist, but it's hard to reason will those that believe there's a bevy of virgins waiting for them upon death

   I don't just burn the bridge, I destroy the road its built on too.

   The average octopus spends two thirds of its life rolling its sleeves up

   HOT RACCOONS IN YOUR AREA WANT TO DO YOUR EYE MAKEUP TOMORROW MORNING

   Tony Orlando loved to eat at the crack of Dawn.

   facebook has allowed me to bring my "he's a distraction to the rest of the class" from school to a global scale

   I see someone failed the 'Ice Chris Brown Challenge'...

   I just shook my keyboard upside down... Breakfast is served.

   Don't you find it strange Kim Jong-il has a new Boeing 777 flying around North Korea?

   I find it very curious how quickly the Bundy ranch standoff was resolve once Hary Reid's involvement with the Chinese Gov't to develop the same ranch land was discovered ..... LOL

   Black guys covered in tattoos just look paisley now.

   sex with my ex was so terrible that I would intentionally give myself whiskey d*ck.

   I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......

   One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.

   Why the hell don’t liquor stores have Black Friday sales?

   What I wanted to do in 2015: drink water and eat healthy. What I actually did in 2015: drink margaritas and eat tacos.