Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   ...wondering why the police never send out any "feline units"...

   A bread factory burned down over the weekend. No one was injured however the place is toast.

   our lives are shaped by those who love us, and by those who refuse to love us

   You laugh because I'm different... I laugh because you're all the same.

   I make serious coffee – so strong it wakes up the neighbors !!!!!!!!

   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

   Why is it that whenever I'm on vacation I can ALWAYS find a Law & Order marathon on TNT?

   Why do people keep telling me I need a positive attitude? I'm already positive I have an attitude.

   if you know what a 8-track tape is...you are considered a dinosaur now

   Step 1) Install coal stove. Step 2) Be naughty all year. Step 3) Wait on santa to deliver so I can heat up the house.

   Anytime something goes wrong and everyone looks at you just jump out your seat and yell "Mortal Kombat!!" while beating on your chest! That should clear the room nicely.

   Well, it looks like Ebola has taken a break from mass hysteria to let us celebrate Thanksgiving.

   Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don't know what to do

   You know you've grown up when a nap is no longer a punishment, but a reward.

   Sticks and stones may hurt my bones but names will never hurt me....simple advice to Islamic extremist, but it's hard to reason will those that believe there's a bevy of virgins waiting for them upon death

   I don't just burn the bridge, I destroy the road its built on too.

   The average octopus spends two thirds of its life rolling its sleeves up

   HOT RACCOONS IN YOUR AREA WANT TO DO YOUR EYE MAKEUP TOMORROW MORNING