Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   two ways to get friends you never knew you had, join facebook and pull out a pack of gum!!!

   Man, my supervisor should've called in sick today, I think he has diarrhea of the mouth.... that's right, he can't stop talking s#*t!

   Beer goggles don't exist…you knew what she looked like, but also figured you could get away with it because of all the shots of tequila you'd had.

   NCAA March Madness Bracket TIME OF DEATH: 11:33pm, 03-18-10

   Dont use that tone of text with me!

   Curiosity killed the cat... but satisfaction brought him back.

   I saw a guy in WalMart wearing aqua socks. I was afraid to take his picture, as it might provoke my murder and subsequent skinning.

   Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   ...wondering why the police never send out any "feline units"...

   A bread factory burned down over the weekend. No one was injured however the place is toast.

   our lives are shaped by those who love us, and by those who refuse to love us

   You laugh because I'm different... I laugh because you're all the same.

   I make serious coffee – so strong it wakes up the neighbors !!!!!!!!

   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

   Why is it that whenever I'm on vacation I can ALWAYS find a Law & Order marathon on TNT?

   Why do people keep telling me I need a positive attitude? I'm already positive I have an attitude.

   if you know what a 8-track tape is...you are considered a dinosaur now

   Step 1) Install coal stove. Step 2) Be naughty all year. Step 3) Wait on santa to deliver so I can heat up the house.

   Anytime something goes wrong and everyone looks at you just jump out your seat and yell "Mortal Kombat!!" while beating on your chest! That should clear the room nicely.