Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If money grows on trees, I wanna be in the shade.

   The chinese have a serious translation problem. For instance, a translator would have been a good idea when they put "poo poo platters" on their menus....

   The iPad: protecting your data from embarrassing incidents.

   just passed an INCOMPETENCE test with flying colors!

   Came home from work last nite just plain tired so I sat down to relax - five minutes later there was a knock on the door - it was my rear just catching up

   living the dream, one nightmare at a time.

   Save the stamp. I see enough pictures of your kids on facebook. #MerryChristmas.

   Few things are as attractive as a slightly pudgy middle-aged man in a Star Wars shirt. - observations from my mirror

   no one asked you what you think but its nice to know that you do!

   Seis De Mayo, Spanish for, Hungover...

   If it weren't for my feet I don't know how I'd ever shut the car door.

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you�re naked at work

   of course men can multi task.... we can read the news paper and sh*t at the same time

   With "Lost" and "American Idol" finished what am I supposed to do with my life, I guess I'll go enjoy that hot orange thing in the sky!

   how many hijackings with nail clippers and shampoo have there been? None, that's how many!

   It's obvious that Ed Hardy is g@y. No straight man would decide he would rather design clothing than solve mysteries with his brothers...

   I received a Jury Summons today, guess its better then receiving an Arrest Warrant???

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night...."

   congratulates singer Celine Dion and her grandfather on the birth of their twin boys.

   I really need to find a girlfriend. Guy at poker table was like “This is my girlfriend, Kayla,” and I was like, “This is my sandwich, Ham.”