Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing quite takes the place of research like making stuff up.

   be like a postage stamp,stick to one thing till you get there

   cop pulled me over and was out of tickets, happiest day in my life

   just got barred from Bunnings. This arrogant prick in a red apron in the timber aisle just asked me if I wanted decking. Lucky I got the first punch in!

   I'm embarrassed that I can't last very long when using the Shake Weight.

   flossing her sweet tooth with twizlers!

   wondering that if a pig loses its voice, does that mean that he is disgruntled?

   If money grows on trees, I wanna be in the shade.

   The chinese have a serious translation problem. For instance, a translator would have been a good idea when they put "poo poo platters" on their menus....

   The iPad: protecting your data from embarrassing incidents.

   just passed an INCOMPETENCE test with flying colors!

   Came home from work last nite just plain tired so I sat down to relax - five minutes later there was a knock on the door - it was my rear just catching up

   living the dream, one nightmare at a time.

   Save the stamp. I see enough pictures of your kids on facebook. #MerryChristmas.

   Few things are as attractive as a slightly pudgy middle-aged man in a Star Wars shirt. - observations from my mirror

   no one asked you what you think but its nice to know that you do!

   Seis De Mayo, Spanish for, Hungover...

   If it weren't for my feet I don't know how I'd ever shut the car door.

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work

   of course men can multi task.... we can read the news paper and sh*t at the same time