Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.

   I sleep on a mattress on the floor next to a cooler of beer that doubles as my nightstand so don't tell me about being "single."

   Demonstrators storm the US embassy in Yemen. Didn't Samuel L. Jackson already make a movie about this?

   I am woman. Hear me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

   Come to me dirty money, I will wash you clean.

   My ex-girlfriend walked past me today and didn't even notice I was there. I must be getting better at this stalking business.

   “Don't share your top secrets with anyone because if you yourself can't keep them, never expect that somebody else will.”

   Masturbation is like math. You can always count on your fingers.

   brought to you today...by the neighbor's router

   I may not remember a face or a name BUT I never forget an ass.

   Some guy just blindfolded me and dragged me into a warehouse. I'm still waiting for him to say it's a febreeze commercial.

   JAB: Going to listen to the Rocky theme and work out, well maybe just listen to the theme for some inspiration and think about when I use to work out. . .

   My buddy and me picked up a couple of cougars last night, or as I like to call it, sweating to the oldies!!

   It's so cute when the cashier puts the receipt on the counter like it's going to stop me from finding a way to caress her hand. Nice try.

   She is your girl too? Oh man we are on the same team!!

   so...it seems they announced the new Batman. Christian Bale fans have really Ben Affleckted by it.

   I already told you. I don't know any sign language... Geesh, Are you deaf?

   I would pic a Miley Cyrus joke over any depressing news about the war in Syria any day.

   I am so overwhelmed by the birthday love, and SO underwhelmed by the birthday gifts!!!!

   Hey graffiti artists, how the hell did you get up there?