Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Masturbation is like math. You can always count on your fingers.

   brought to you today...by the neighbor's router

   I may not remember a face or a name BUT I never forget an ass.

   Some guy just blindfolded me and dragged me into a warehouse. I'm still waiting for him to say it's a febreeze commercial.

   JAB: Going to listen to the Rocky theme and work out, well maybe just listen to the theme for some inspiration and think about when I use to work out. . .

   My buddy and me picked up a couple of cougars last night, or as I like to call it, sweating to the oldies!!

   It's so cute when the cashier puts the receipt on the counter like it's going to stop me from finding a way to caress her hand. Nice try.

   She is your girl too? Oh man we are on the same team!!

   so...it seems they announced the new Batman. Christian Bale fans have really Ben Affleckted by it.

   I already told you. I don't know any sign language... Geesh, Are you deaf?

   I would pic a Miley Cyrus joke over any depressing news about the war in Syria any day.

   I am so overwhelmed by the birthday love, and SO underwhelmed by the birthday gifts!!!!

   Hey graffiti artists, how the hell did you get up there?

   Just got caught stealing a book, I explained that I'm dyslexic & thought it was the 'help self' section.

   Hey people making fun of Canada : I think Bryan Adams & Nickleback were just warning shots,,,,,, Let's try not to REALLY anger them..

   I just masturbated without crying afterwards. Who's emotionally unstable now, SUSAN??

   ....Nothing says "F@#K YOU" better than "your call has been forwarded to automatic voice message center"

   It is said that the first step to solving the problem of an addict!on is the verbal admission of the issue itself. Okay then: I love n@ked women.

   High pulp, no pulp, with Calcium, w/o Calcium… WTF happened to just regular OJ??

   Well, our relationship didn't work out the first time, maybe the 37th will be the charm. - Couples who are stupid.