Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the artist dies, this roll of flower print Bounty is going to be worth a fortune.

   If I had $100 for every time I read something interesting on my Facebook feed, I'd be very poor.

   I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.

   I dream of a world where bl@ck men buy smaller pants and wh!te men buy bigger shirts so we don't have to see all those boxers and beer guts.

   Just put together some Ikea furniture without instructions and was able to build an extra table and two shelves with the parts I left out.

   Sssshhhh....you had me at McDouble..

   decided that for my next career, I'm gonna be a stripper for the blind

   Guys with tattoos on their face cry the loudest.

   S W A G – [S]omething [W]e [A]$$holes [G]ot.

   My girlfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she wont get far. I set up a claymore by the door.

   feels like Simba in Lion King, you know that part where he's stuck in the stampede, and his dad dies saving him, but then later he meets Timon and Pumbaa... f*ck black friday I'm going home to watch Lion King."

   the "Poke" should display the time of "Poke" that way you know when there thinking of you most!

   Sometimes I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party! ツ

   I know a few women that would be considered very handsome if they were men.

   If you ignore a problem and it goes away, was it ever really a problem ?

   An Eskimo in the Artic has been arrested on suspicion of rape. Police want to know where he was on the night between September and March.

   I only have a home phone so I can find my cell phone.

   going to the stripclub and not getting a lapdance is like going to disneyland and not getting the mickey mouse ears

   The hotel is mad at me for getting a haircut in the jacuzzi. Sorry for trying to look nice at a Holiday Inn.

   if we spelled things by sounding them out like we should...i wood werk in the sitty