Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys with tattoos on their face cry the loudest.

   S W A G – [S]omething [W]e [A]$$holes [G]ot.

   My girlfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she wont get far. I set up a claymore by the door.

   feels like Simba in Lion King, you know that part where he's stuck in the stampede, and his dad dies saving him, but then later he meets Timon and Pumbaa... f*ck black friday I'm going home to watch Lion King."

   the "Poke" should display the time of "Poke" that way you know when there thinking of you most!

   Sometimes I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party! ツ

   I know a few women that would be considered very handsome if they were men.

   If you ignore a problem and it goes away, was it ever really a problem ?

   An Eskimo in the Artic has been arrested on suspicion of rape. Police want to know where he was on the night between September and March.

   I only have a home phone so I can find my cell phone.

   going to the stripclub and not getting a lapdance is like going to disneyland and not getting the mickey mouse ears

   The hotel is mad at me for getting a haircut in the jacuzzi. Sorry for trying to look nice at a Holiday Inn.

   if we spelled things by sounding them out like we should...i wood werk in the sitty

   My favorite beer? A cold and full one.

   As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".

   "For every hostage you send out, I'll give you one hug." - lonely negotiator

   If 40 is the new 20, does that mean 20 is the new 10, and if so, do I need to delete these photos off my phone?

   My brother diagnosed his wife with a terrible condition called Hoover Syndrome where she makes lots of whiney noises but no longer sucks

   It would be fun to replace every EXIT sign in the world with ones that said ESCAPE. Also, they should flicker ominously

   Brett Favre has joined Twitter. I'll be giving him a little time to figure things out before I click on any of his Twitpics.