Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not everyone is meant to be taken seriously.

   Jealous because my couch gets more a$$ than I do.

   "You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.”

   To be honest, I'm just trying to look busy until that new Muppet movie comes out.

   I look forward to having grandkids, so I can share my wisdom. Mostly wisdom about Angry Birds, Angry Birds Rio and Angry Birds Seasons.

   Trying to read a cartoon character's lips is the most frustrating thing ever

   Don't go knocking on the devil's door and expect him NOT to answer

   I think I may be confused...but I'm not sure

   It smells like... FRIDAY!! (In case your sniffers busted.=)

   pretty fly for a white guy

   1965-2008: Minorities should be able to vote. 2008, 2012: Black guy elected president. 2013: Let’s rethink that voting rights thing...

   Obama starts off every speech with a lie...."My fellow Americans"

   Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

   amazed at the alarming drop-out rate of sky diving classes

   FYI - Police say Boston Marathon bomber has been buried in undisclosed location. Hopefully wrapped in bacon with a Bible on his chest...

   What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was “Hope and change.” This year the theme is “Hope you don't make a change.”

   still wondering how would you engineer an electrical?

   Anyone know how I can become an illegal alien? They've got some really good benefits.

   I wonder if Sarah Palin can see the Olympics from her house.

   - Malaysian airlines confirmed having crashed in ocean. World is shocked. Seems everyone must have thought it had landed safely in some remote landing strip somewhere, like most missing planes do.