Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….

   Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me!

   If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located

   Would it kill Barney to just eat a kid every now and then?

   You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee.

   Alzheimers: You wake up and wonder who's sleeping next to you, where you are, what you did the night before, why you're naked..... kinda like college, isn't it?

   The true art of procastination is picking the correct task to put off that will eventually not need to be done anymore.

   If love is a game..where can I buy the multiplayer-version?

   Grandma complained no one ever calls so I put a "How's My Driving?" bumper sticker on her car. The phone pretty much rings off the hook now.

   If you need a Facebook application to tell you what cereal you are, I'll save you the suspense... you're a Fruit Loop

   asks for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I will beat them to death!

   Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?

   Whenever anyone asks me who I'm on the phone with I say...."Jake, from State Farm!"

   Lost a couple FB friends overnight. Hopefully they just died and it wasn't something I said...

   Has anyone noticed that there aren't many play-places at fast food restaurants anymore? Probably because none of those kids chowing down on burgers and fries can fit through the tunnels.

   It's so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.

   I'd save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.

   Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.

   Our neighbor's dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.

   Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those live forever.