Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.

   You're not a model....you are just a white girl taking selfies in the mirror.

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. ---actually he died a few days ago, but they just found him in somebody's spam folder.

   I love when people say "they're expecting a baby" as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

   My all time favorite coworker is the coffee machine.

   Dear Yahoo: I've never heard anyone say "I don't know. Let's Yahoo it." Just sayin'. Sincerely yours, Google

   I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.

   "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" - Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   The older I get the more I understand Squidward’s anger.

   If I ever own a parrot I'm going to teach him to say, "Will someone please find the witch who cast this spell on me?"

   "She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

   Patiently waiting for the Pro zac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!!!

   I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!

   DunkinHackin (v):The act of choking on the powdery goodness of a powdered Dunkin Donut

   Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.

   In another dimension, I'm happy and sane. Please don't tell my wife.

   The problem is people are everywhere.

   Hey look at me! Hey Stop staring at me weirdo! - women

   You look crazy, here's my ex's number.

   How to conquer a woman and lose her in 3 seconds...you look beautiful! You don´t look like you at all!