Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're not a model....you are just a white girl taking selfies in the mirror.

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. ---actually he died a few days ago, but they just found him in somebody's spam folder.

   I love when people say "they're expecting a baby" as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

   My all time favorite coworker is the coffee machine.

   Dear Yahoo: I've never heard anyone say "I don't know. Let's Yahoo it." Just sayin'. Sincerely yours, Google

   I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.

   "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" - Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   The older I get the more I understand Squidward’s anger.

   If I ever own a parrot I'm going to teach him to say, "Will someone please find the witch who cast this spell on me?"

   "She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

   Patiently waiting for the Pro zac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!!!

   I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!

   DunkinHackin (v):The act of choking on the powdery goodness of a powdered Dunkin Donut

   Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.

   In another dimension, I'm happy and sane. Please don't tell my wife.

   The problem is people are everywhere.

   Hey look at me! Hey Stop staring at me weirdo! - women

   You look crazy, here's my ex's number.

   How to conquer a woman and lose her in 3 seconds...you look beautiful! You don´t look like you at all!

   When I said "We have chemistry between us" I just meant I roofied your drink