Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" - Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   The older I get the more I understand Squidward’s anger.

   If I ever own a parrot I'm going to teach him to say, "Will someone please find the witch who cast this spell on me?"

   "She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

   Patiently waiting for the Pro zac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!!!

   I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!

   DunkinHackin (v):The act of choking on the powdery goodness of a powdered Dunkin Donut

   Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.

   In another dimension, I'm happy and sane. Please don't tell my wife.

   The problem is people are everywhere.

   Hey look at me! Hey Stop staring at me weirdo! - women

   You look crazy, here's my ex's number.

   How to conquer a woman and lose her in 3 seconds...you look beautiful! You don´t look like you at all!

   When I said "We have chemistry between us" I just meant I roofied your drink

   An app that tracks a woman's PMS iMad, if you will.

   4/26 Happy 48th birthday Melania

   Those NK missles all have "Thanks Bill" stickers on the side.

   Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station.

   A Patriots fan from Watertown Mass won the 700 million dollar Powerball jackpot. They probably figured out a way to cheat.........

   Pro Tip: Guys, start out like a butterfly and finish like a bulldog eating oatmeal...