Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   America. .......for the love of sanity......wake up..... your going to hell in a hand cart

   Hurricane Florence is really really big. Lots of water, wet wet water. Most people don't know that. Just like they didn't know Puerto Rico was an island, surrounded by water, wet water.

   "I laughed, I cried, then laughed, then cried, then laughed, then cried..." -Early reviews for 'The Bi-Polar Express'

   I need all my haters to do a favor for me real quick: Go plank on a machete.

   Have you ever noticed after reading some peoples notices that they are just trying to get noticed. I also noticed that no one sends them a notice that their notice wasn't worth noticing.

   My nieghbor told me she had the smartest dog in the nieghborhood. "He always gets my paper and my slippers for me". I told her "I know my dog told me and I can't get her to quit describing your dogs bad breath."

   I'm not drunk I'm just German

   Sometimes I think that my parents had me just so I could clean the house for them.

   i may be fat but I'm perfectly good at it, boobs on my chest but I like the look of it, fruit and veg may thin my legs, but chips and dips excite me.

   A woman in your arms, is worth two on the Net.

   Next time you're stuck in traffic, look at the cars around you. Spot the couples: 90% of them have a sad and lost look. Now, detect a couple where the guy looks happy and jolly, then take a good look at the girl next to him: she must be brand new!!

   When she asked me "What kind of idiot are you?" it took me awhile to realize it wasn't a Facebook quiz.

   My ex-wife seems to think she is a female version of Nostradamus. Before the divorce she predicted that I was going to pay for it, that I would never find love again, and that my world as I know it was going to end... a year and half later I'm a belliever

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. "Hey, Mr. Embassy man... two snaps ka-boom!"

   A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" they says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

   passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change"...man was that awkward.....

   : What's Klingon for "I'm going to die a virgin?"

   Only great, awesome, wonderful people can read this. And only the truly gifted can actually comment on it!

   its right what they say fruit is good for constipation. I got my phone bill this morning from orange and I nearly s**t myself.

   You know....spooning leads to forking right?