Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think they put "The Island of Misfit Toys" in the Rudolph Christmas special so poor kids know why they get crappy presents from Santa at Christmas.

   I'm not really interested in a one-night stand. An hour, two tops, will suffice.

   Dance like no one is watching, Fart like no one can smell it.

   No more cigarettes at CVS. Sorry, smokers. Still shelves and shelves of candy though. Chin up, diabetics.

   If you're O.C.D and you know it wash your hands

   Flattery and insults raise the same question: what do you want?

   I will never forget my grandmas last word; TRUCK!

   I'm just a girl, standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.

   Watching p0rn and the woman actually said "i love you" in the heat of the moment & its the most disgusting thing i've heard in a p0rn ever.

   All these folks that use to be a Heat Fan...are now a wherever He-At fan.....

   It’s amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   White girls who don't get naked when you're drunk.. Explain yourselves.

   No means no, except through duct tape. It sounds a lot like yes.

   There's already four people camped out in NYC waiting for the new iPhone, in case you weren't sure why the terrorists hate us.

   I think the CDC Director needs to resign and let Dr. House save us all from Ebola.....

   I have a good idea. Instead of spraying a fire hose on protesters, bring out the flame throwers...

   Hey Bernie supporters, Trump will get you a better job while Hillary will only raise your taxes.

   No matter how old you are, how stiff, how brittle,you can always still put your foot in your mouth!!!

   DOUGLAS unscrambled = USA GOLD

   Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!