Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will never forget my grandmas last word; TRUCK!

   I'm just a girl, standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.

   Watching p0rn and the woman actually said "i love you" in the heat of the moment & its the most disgusting thing i've heard in a p0rn ever.

   All these folks that use to be a Heat Fan...are now a wherever He-At fan.....

   It’s amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   White girls who don't get naked when you're drunk.. Explain yourselves.

   No means no, except through duct tape. It sounds a lot like yes.

   There's already four people camped out in NYC waiting for the new iPhone, in case you weren't sure why the terrorists hate us.

   I think the CDC Director needs to resign and let Dr. House save us all from Ebola.....

   I have a good idea. Instead of spraying a fire hose on protesters, bring out the flame throwers...

   Hey Bernie supporters, Trump will get you a better job while Hillary will only raise your taxes.

   No matter how old you are, how stiff, how brittle,you can always still put your foot in your mouth!!!

   DOUGLAS unscrambled = USA GOLD

   Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!

   Decaf coffee is like paying a hooker for a hug.

   There are two types of girls; girls who are fat and girls who think they are fat.

   I just found out my cleaning woman was shot by her nephew. And I have no idea where she hides the mop.

   Madonna flashed her rear end during NYC concerts, Urgeing fans to toss money on stage for "Hurricane Sandy Relief", she raised $38,000 and an additional $45,000 in pledges to the "Keep Madonna Clothed Foundation".

   Never punch a person with glasses, unless they're wearing just the frame with no lens. In that case punch the crap out of them.

   Dear Santa, is it too late to be good?