Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Super Bowl Sunday is always followed by National Call Into Work Sick Day.

   A buffet is where you find out what kind of person you really are.

   This regular old moon is stupid...

   I am tired of living in the Divided States Of America

   Just an FYI, whether I know you or not if you're a guy and you send me a friend request and your profile picture is you in a mirror shirtless mmm bye bye.

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands? So not sexy.

   I'm the avocado of people. While you wait and wait for me to mature enough to be enjoyable, I sneakily transition into a disgusting mess.

   Relationship Status: Intercepting blown kisses.

   Hey guys walking the dog with a plastic bag of its $hit. How does it feel being third in command in your own house?

   Million Dollar Idea: An inner-city 24 hour breakfast restaurant named "Malcolm Eggs"

   I'm taking up photography because it's the only hobby where I can shoot people and cut off their heads without going to jail.

   One day, you'll be just a memory for some people,so do your best to be a good one.

   Sorry I'm late,, the floor was lava

   RIP DJ E-Z Rock...May your eternal journey home be filled with more Joy than Pain

   White girls with weaves... No. Bad white girl.

   If you re-arrange the letters in "ugh" you get "hug". This is as good as it gets until the weed gets here people.

   Women should come with a Carfax report!

   The Desperado has a Peaceful Easy Feeling in the Hotel California...R.I.P. Glenn

   The snow storm is way too white, I think it's time to boycott.

   Picking a president to vote for this term is like picking the STD that I would be the most okay with having