Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't call you Fred Flintstone because I thought you could make my bed rock!! ;-) I called you Fred Flintstone because that brick of a line was prehistoric!! ;-p Practice your game

   wow just found out Jimmy Dean died! this is gotta be the wurst day ever...

   Just remember the knight in shining armor just might be an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.

   .... My girl friend keeps harping on me that a relationship is all about Truth and Honesty while at the same time tells me she is voting for Hillary!

   The next vote should be whether she gets life in prison or a firing squad

   says I made a starteling discovery this morning, apparently someone broke into my house last night and stole my "baggie" jeans from last year and replaced them with "skinny" jeans

   I hate it when I'm at a fast food restaurant with friends and the dining room is empty...and the next couple that comes in has to sit at the table right next to you.

   They call me Laxative coz I make sh*t happen.

   for a second I thought an ogre and a donkey had crashed another royal wedding, but then I realized it was Camilla and Charles.

   My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?" I replied "Dust" .

   Since when did "Paint By Numbers" make an EYEBROW kit?!?!?!

   Goodnight I need to go to sleep early to be late for school tomorrow

   That "No alcohol beyond this point" sign might as well say, "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"...

   aaah the weekend... drink triple, see double, act single.

   Bernie Sanders Drinking Game: Every time Bernie mentions a free government program you drink someone else's beer.

   Not sure if I am getting older or if kids today are just getting retarded?....

   Snow in Egypt! In the dessert! Global warming strikes again!....Al Gore refuses comment

   "Dad?..." Yes Son?.... "Where do baby horses come from?".... Well, when a mare and a stallion are really in love… "Yes…" …and in a stable relationship…

   2020 will be like any other election...Kanye will vote for Kanye

   FYI: It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane