Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   National back to being miserable couples day

   Laughter is the Best,,,,,,,,, Way to get the judge to reduce your sentence..☺

   Every man should have a bar where everybody knows your beer.

   Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

   I'm like God to this girl. I'm always watching her...... & she's never seen me. - Stalker

   REMEMBER: no matter how fast you run, michael myers will walk faster. -.-

   Ya think Vampires eat Tampons like Cotton Candy????

   a blueberry muffin in a basket of bagels.

   optimusly Primed

   "Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."

   i entered 10 puns in a contest to see which would win....no pun in ten did

   I have said it before and I will say it again. IT

   Sometimes you have to walk through a field of weeds to find the perfect marijuana.

   If days of the week were people, Mondays would be gingers

   put my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley.

   Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters are humans.

   Bernie Sanders want to run the United States and he can't even operate a simple comb with no moving parts.

   I would like to wish all the atheists out there a very happy holiday! Have a fantastic April Fool's Day!

   Soccer would probably be a lot more popular in the USA if they put cheerleaders on the sidelines, ran with a football, and scored touchdowns

   The Detroit Lions have been getting killed for years and no one is protesting!!