Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

   The evening news begins with good evening. Then they proceed to tell you why it not.

   When one door closes, another one opens which is great-unless you're am idiot and you didn't notice.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline it logged me back onto MySpace

   When I see names and hearts carved into a tree I don't think it's cute. I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.

   People with handlebar mustaches should be forced to box kangaroos.

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"

   Why is it that Tampax advertisements always shows women ice skating, dancing or playing tennis. The only activity my wife partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.

   Whatever you do in this life, you should always give it 100 percent, unless you're donating blood.

   Why is that when you apply for a loan at the bank the first thing you have to do is prove you don't need it?

   Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.

   My Great Great Great Grandfather Alex Would have turned 176 years old today. Please be aware of the dangers of Civil Wars.

   Like my Pappy always said: If you're going to do something, do it rihgt.

   Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

   Ladies, when I hit on you don't tell me that you're engaged. You're just currently booked. And bookings can be cancelled any time.

   Just wait until people figure out that Native Americans would purchase and trade African slaves for use...

   I think hurricanes with male names should be called "himicanes."

   I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad so I said: too bad they don't have windows

   If a pregnant woman is swimming, does that make her a human submarine?

   Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.