Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...

   1 cat = 10 years of being single. Now take that and multiply it by the amount of cats you have.

   I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 2 is ready!"

   Opposites attract. Then they get divorced.

   what ever happened to that girl group 3T?

   I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.

   Must be hard to raise a boy to respect women in a world with so many twerking women.

   Are you a man who feels confident about his opinions? Has a high self-esteem? Well I think it's time to get you a woman.

   Does your family have a history of stupidity or is it just you?

   Note to Ladies; Relationships don't turn a$$holes into princes

   Eight minutes to microwave my lasagna?? I don't want to eat it tomorrow...

   All I know is that Facebook causes a pile of laundry.

   Before you judge me.......nmake sure you're perfect!

   I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.

   I am underwhelmed by the Mars rover landing pictures. You would think at this year 2012 we could get some colored pictures and video.

   Good judgement comes from experience. And all of that comes from bad judgment.

   I was looking for a romantic spot to watch the meteor shower, but I guess the strip club here doesn't have a skylight.

   i have too many feelings for someone not in a relationship.

   What's that Adele song about not being able to hold onto a boyfriend?

   Advice to women: don't confuse men with credit cards.