Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.

   I am underwhelmed by the Mars rover landing pictures. You would think at this year 2012 we could get some colored pictures and video.

   Good judgement comes from experience. And all of that comes from bad judgment.

   I was looking for a romantic spot to watch the meteor shower, but I guess the strip club here doesn't have a skylight.

   i have too many feelings for someone not in a relationship.

   What's that Adele song about not being able to hold onto a boyfriend?

   Advice to women: don't confuse men with credit cards.

   I need a Stalker that will take out the trash before going thru it

   B itches or not, I still say 99 problems is a lot of problems!

   ive seen more humour There is nothing funnier than yelling "SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!" when you witness a violent parent with their kid in public.

   The only foreplay I've been doing lately is turning the electric blanket on before I go to bed.

   I am woman, hear me give you the silent treatment.

   Now that I think about it, the Good Humor man never said anything funny. But, who needs a personality when you have ice cream?

   Don't worry guy's.... I just hung my 2013 calendar to protect us from the apocalypse. We should be good.

   The only reason I drink is to celebrate not being dead.

   Where can I buy a couple tumbleweeds? It would look way cool to have a few of them following me around the house

   People are never going to stop talking are they?

   Don't take anything here too seriously, including your feelings.

   I'm too bad to be an angel and too good to be a devil.

   Well sir, I doubt everyone will be so upset my desk is "infested" with caterpillars once the office is "infested" with beautiful butterflies!!