Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Advice to women: don't confuse men with credit cards.

   I need a Stalker that will take out the trash before going thru it

   B itches or not, I still say 99 problems is a lot of problems!

   ive seen more humour There is nothing funnier than yelling "SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!" when you witness a violent parent with their kid in public.

   The only foreplay I've been doing lately is turning the electric blanket on before I go to bed.

   I am woman, hear me give you the silent treatment.

   Now that I think about it, the Good Humor man never said anything funny. But, who needs a personality when you have ice cream?

   Don't worry guy's.... I just hung my 2013 calendar to protect us from the apocalypse. We should be good.

   The only reason I drink is to celebrate not being dead.

   Where can I buy a couple tumbleweeds? It would look way cool to have a few of them following me around the house

   People are never going to stop talking are they?

   Don't take anything here too seriously, including your feelings.

   I'm too bad to be an angel and too good to be a devil.

   Well sir, I doubt everyone will be so upset my desk is "infested" with caterpillars once the office is "infested" with beautiful butterflies!!

   I'll bet Anthony Weiner's babysitter's mom is pretty freaking creeped out right now.

   Not sure which has gone more viral on facebook. Pics of cats, or cups of cappuccino with hearts drawn in the foam.

   Funerals are very expensive these days. Think of it as the high cost of leaving.

   I don't step on people's toes, I trip and fall.

   Women are 30% human and 70% emotions.

   After discovering that Anthony Weiner got Hillary Clinton in trouble Bill Clinton breeze a sigh of relief because it's the first time his wiener hasn't gotten Hillary in trouble