Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As long as we don't let our feelings get in the way, this could be the start of something beautiful.

   Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I want you to stop being in love with me.

   We've got our p orno turned up really loud so the neighbours don't hear us having sex.

   The first rule of Zombie Club is: Try not to sprain your ankle.

   Things that you need adequate preparation for: 1. Zombie apocalypse. 2. Alien invasion. 3. A nal sex.

   The day she agrees to a nal, I'm renting two industrial spotlights to shine into the night sky to celebrate the 'grand opening'.

   This new bank app I have sends me suspicious activity alert for just about anything.....*alert* someone paid off a light bill, *alert* someone opened a bar tab, *alert* you've overpaid the stripper

   So your neighbors having 3pm afternoon sex next door loud, and your best solution is turning up your porn louder to send them a msg?

   Someone's voodoo doll is finally working for the 49ers! Nice break

   I need a Stalker that will take out the trash before going thru it

   B itches or not, I still say 99 problems is a lot of problems!

   ive seen more humour There is nothing funnier than yelling "SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!" when you witness a violent parent with their kid in public.

   The only foreplay I've been doing lately is turning the electric blanket on before I go to bed.

   I am woman, hear me give you the silent treatment.

   Now that I think about it, the Good Humor man never said anything funny. But, who needs a personality when you have ice cream?

   Don't worry guy's.... I just hung my 2013 calendar to protect us from the apocalypse. We should be good.

   The only reason I drink is to celebrate not being dead.

   Where can I buy a couple tumbleweeds? It would look way cool to have a few of them following me around the house

   People are never going to stop talking are they?

   Don't take anything here too seriously, including your feelings.