Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.

   Boss: Why are you drinking wine at your desk? Me: Holiday party! Boss: What holiday party? Me: My point exactly you cheap old fart.

   The stores have done such a great job with their displays and merchandise..cant wait to see the kids faces tomorrow when they find their easter baskets, shamrocks and valentines under the tree.

   I watch horror movies to make sure I still have feelings.

   As long as we don't let our feelings get in the way, this could be the start of something beautiful.

   Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I want you to stop being in love with me.

   We've got our p orno turned up really loud so the neighbours don't hear us having sex.

   The first rule of Zombie Club is: Try not to sprain your ankle.

   Things that you need adequate preparation for: 1. Zombie apocalypse. 2. Alien invasion. 3. A nal sex.

   The day she agrees to a nal, I'm renting two industrial spotlights to shine into the night sky to celebrate the 'grand opening'.

   This new bank app I have sends me suspicious activity alert for just about anything.....*alert* someone paid off a light bill, *alert* someone opened a bar tab, *alert* you've overpaid the stripper

   So your neighbors having 3pm afternoon sex next door loud, and your best solution is turning up your porn louder to send them a msg?

   Someone's voodoo doll is finally working for the 49ers! Nice break

   feeling sad because you don't have a Valentine. Cheer up, no one loves you the rest of the year either

   If this weekend were any shorter it would be called a Kim Kardashian marriage.

   The couch just proposed to my buttocks.

   About 73% of the time, I just make up percentages

   Taking a Klondike Bar and a condom to the local beauty pagent... I'm eagerly waiting.

   It's a thankless job, but apparently I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

   I put little notes in my kids' lunch bags so their friends will mock them ruthlessly.