Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm feeling vulnerable tonight. I wasn't able to validate my personality with a BuzzFeed quiz today.

   "How's phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can't ask on a job interview.

   “I shall always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.”

   *flips coin in Air* ... "heads I get out of bed, tails I don't"... *coin lands too far away*........... "well bed it is!"

   Merry Christmas......now that this is out of the way....I can justify the rest of my day with alcohol and shenanigans.

   Lets Do The 2014 New Years Hump Today!

   I made this status nice and short so you can just move on with your life.

   Even if they don't win any medals, at least Team USA can be guaranteed victory in future ugly sweater contests.

   I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN My tombstone.

   Everybody needs a playground...

   My grandfather was a Marine who fought hand to hand combat with the Japanese at the battle of Guadalcanal and I sometimes drink lattes.

   FYI 'I'm here so I won't get fined'

   You are going to play the lotto in hopes that you win? That's cool. I'm going to play the harpsichord in hopes that a unicorn shows up.

   I really want someone to love me unconditionally, but I really can’t afford a puppy right now.

   Jeremy Clarkson should start a cooking show. Abusing staff seems to be OK in kitchens on TV.

   I'm living proof that misery actually hates company.

   If seeing boobs while drinking beer doesn't put a curb to mid-day shoot outs, I've lost all faith in humanity

   When you're driving to work on Monday morning just remember that Floyd Mayweather made 41 million dollars tonight.

   Slipping a tasteful nude photo into my work file... couldn't hurt at this point.

   I'm married and have two girls. I've been without power for 10 years.