Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I made this status nice and short so you can just move on with your life.

   Even if they don't win any medals, at least Team USA can be guaranteed victory in future ugly sweater contests.

   I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN My tombstone.

   Everybody needs a playground...

   My grandfather was a Marine who fought hand to hand combat with the Japanese at the battle of Guadalcanal and I sometimes drink lattes.

   FYI 'I'm here so I won't get fined'

   You are going to play the lotto in hopes that you win? That's cool. I'm going to play the harpsichord in hopes that a unicorn shows up.

   I really want someone to love me unconditionally, but I really can’t afford a puppy right now.

   Jeremy Clarkson should start a cooking show. Abusing staff seems to be OK in kitchens on TV.

   I'm living proof that misery actually hates company.

   If seeing boobs while drinking beer doesn't put a curb to mid-day shoot outs, I've lost all faith in humanity

   When you're driving to work on Monday morning just remember that Floyd Mayweather made 41 million dollars tonight.

   Slipping a tasteful nude photo into my work file... couldn't hurt at this point.

   I'm married and have two girls. I've been without power for 10 years.

   How do you recognize mature women?! They wear more reasonable shoes. :)

   Excuse me... Tell me more about this mythical corner, around which fudge is made.

   If a chick ask what kind of cologne you got on you gotta lie & tell her Axe body spray cause she most likely gonna buy it for her boyfriend.

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.

   The # of selfies someone takes at the gym is indirectly proportionate to the # of times they go...

   I have a non-profit business. It's not a charity, I'm just really bad with finances.