Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids

   Music has charms to soothe the savage breast ...... it can lift you higher then the sky , make you sad or even cry but what it does is it can make life worth living.....

   The bikes at the gym I go to are behind a bunch of machines where people are always bent over. This may work for some, but my cardio has suffered as I tend to end my workout earlier when grandma decides to do butt thrusts in my face.

   At what point does "experiencing higher than normal call volumes" become "we don't feel like hiring more people."

   I bet teaching abstinence in school now days is much easier with the invention of the #FleshLight

   The future isn't what it used to be...

   An archeolgist is the best husbany any woman can ever get. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her

   I saw a jug of 2% milk. I'd actually prefer the whole thing be milk.

   Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

   18.I'd call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.

   I have a busy day ahead... I have trouble to start; rumors to spread and people to argue with.

   Nothing makes food less fattening than being too expensive.

   Going to break the awkward silence.

   The best way to deal with voicemails is to simply not return them.

   Any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"

   It's ok, other ethnic groups. I'm afraid of drunk white chicks, too.

   Anyone who isn't schizophrenic these days isn't thinking clearly.

   My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.

   Pro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.

   I said to the nurse "You're such a nice person. Will you come visit me when I'm out of the hospital?" She said "Well, I would except graveyards are such creepy places." FML.