Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An archeolgist is the best husbany any woman can ever get. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her

   I saw a jug of 2% milk. I'd actually prefer the whole thing be milk.

   Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

   18.I'd call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.

   I have a busy day ahead... I have trouble to start; rumors to spread and people to argue with.

   Nothing makes food less fattening than being too expensive.

   Going to break the awkward silence.

   The best way to deal with voicemails is to simply not return them.

   Any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"

   It's ok, other ethnic groups. I'm afraid of drunk white chicks, too.

   Anyone who isn't schizophrenic these days isn't thinking clearly.

   My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.

   Pro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.

   I said to the nurse "You're such a nice person. Will you come visit me when I'm out of the hospital?" She said "Well, I would except graveyards are such creepy places." FML.

   I'm feeling vulnerable tonight. I wasn't able to validate my personality with a BuzzFeed quiz today.

   "How's phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can't ask on a job interview.

   “I shall always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.”

   *flips coin in Air* ... "heads I get out of bed, tails I don't"... *coin lands too far away*........... "well bed it is!"

   Merry Christmas......now that this is out of the way....I can justify the rest of my day with alcohol and shenanigans.

   Lets Do The 2014 New Years Hump Today!