Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   starting an oatmeal delivery company.I`m leaning towards naming it Haulin` Oats.

   Please do not open any messages from me that are entitled "Do not open , This is a virus which will destroy your hard drive then come to your house and donkey punch you in the back of the head"

   Wow, Christmas parties invitations are starting to arrive... grrrr... shut up liver!

   "Oprah tips homeless dude $100" ...20 min. later, homeless dude's crack dealer: "where you get the Benjamin, homie?"

   Bucket list #17 - boxing a kangaroo.

   The honorable Lt. Frank Drebin is gone.. Yet Nordberg is still with us.. Wheres the justice?

   I walk the streets with a smile on my face while looking up. Just in case the cameras of Google Maps are filming.

   My Christmas tree looks like Hell. I can get away with it though, because I'm a guy.

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   Whoever originally thought up the vampire idea should have trademarked it.

   Trick or treat? I say why not be naughty and have both!

   Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.

   just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

   With the "You've Won The Nigerian Lottery" to these "Libido Sex Pill Enhancer" emails I should be leading quite the life.

   Judge has got a stutter so it doesn't look like I'm getting a sentence.

   I wasn't born or thrust into greatness; I just had the tools and a choice...

   thinks the markets are sliding faster today than a disgruntled flight attendant.

   You were not "just wondering" now tell me why you asked.

   It seems like earlier this week my horoscope would have said "A big change to be coming soon".....Who knows, maybe it did, and I was just reading the wrong one..

   You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on