Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I walk the streets with a smile on my face while looking up. Just in case the cameras of Google Maps are filming.

   My Christmas tree looks like Hell. I can get away with it though, because I'm a guy.

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   Whoever originally thought up the vampire idea should have trademarked it.

   Trick or treat? I say why not be naughty and have both!

   Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.

   just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

   With the "You've Won The Nigerian Lottery" to these "Libido Sex Pill Enhancer" emails I should be leading quite the life.

   Judge has got a stutter so it doesn't look like I'm getting a sentence.

   I wasn't born or thrust into greatness; I just had the tools and a choice...

   thinks the markets are sliding faster today than a disgruntled flight attendant.

   You were not "just wondering" now tell me why you asked.

   It seems like earlier this week my horoscope would have said "A big change to be coming soon".....Who knows, maybe it did, and I was just reading the wrong one..

   You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids

   Music has charms to soothe the savage breast ...... it can lift you higher then the sky , make you sad or even cry but what it does is it can make life worth living.....

   The bikes at the gym I go to are behind a bunch of machines where people are always bent over. This may work for some, but my cardio has suffered as I tend to end my workout earlier when grandma decides to do butt thrusts in my face.

   At what point does "experiencing higher than normal call volumes" become "we don't feel like hiring more people."

   I bet teaching abstinence in school now days is much easier with the invention of the #FleshLight

   The future isn't what it used to be...