Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had chicken, carrots, and cabbage to add to my ramen noodles to make chicken noodle soup, I wouldn't be eating Ramen Noodles in the first place.

   Don't talk that sh*t on the internet, then get as quiet as a library when you see me in person.

   I don't think any woman could ever break my heart as much as the prequels to Star Wars did.

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

   Always suspicious of a mitten wave....

   Don't do anything you're going to regret in the morning. Or at least leave before regret wakes up!

   Valentines day was set up as a yearly reminder for wimps who couldnt appreciate the best they have every day!

   Always be positive! For example: I am positive that I hate Casey Anthony.

   How come every time I have to deal with customer service or technical support of anything, it's always some incompetent person telling me to do what I've already been doing. Like it's my fault that their crap doesn't work.

   CASE OF THE EX: I laugh at my mistakes, so please excuse me while I laugh in your face.

   Whenever someone deletes me as a friend I automatically think, crap they found out how many times I viewed their photos.

   thinking I could definitely meet my weight loss goal if I had to pedal to use the computer

   Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver

   ... and then confuse people into thinking it's the rest of your previous status update when it isn't.

   The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence.

   Man Rule #1........never start a conversation with a stranger while at a urinal

   just recieved a letter in the mail from Jerry Springer asking me to be a guest on his show.... This cant be good

   Whoever said 'Laughter is a medicine with no side effects' obviously never pee'd themselves from laughing

   That was delicious corn on the cob. If you could have seen me enjoying it you would have thought I was a corn star.

   BBC NEWS: Apple sues Samsung for 'copying' . Samsung retaliate with name calling and telling the teacher.