Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Skinny= Anorexic Thick= Obese. Virgin= Too good. Non-Virgin= Slut. Friendly= Fake. Quiet= Rude. It seems like you can never please society

   I'm a superhero while I'm in my shower. I call myself Bathman.

   Whoever decided to name this Halloween candy "fun" size is not someone I would care to party with. Just saying.......

   I just had sex for the first time in long time. So long in fact, that I felt guilty for cheating on my sock.

   Always smile and laugh in spite of your problems because this is the only life you will ever have and your problems won't matter anymore when you are dead.

   joining the 'Occupy' movement tonight. My rear end is going to OCCUPY a bar stool to watch the Eagles vs. Cowboys and my stomach is going to be OCCUPIED by some beer!

   Just overheard this kid confess to smoking weed out of his trumpet. Band practice must be fun.

   Some people are just Facebook Retarded!

   If I had chicken, carrots, and cabbage to add to my ramen noodles to make chicken noodle soup, I wouldn't be eating Ramen Noodles in the first place.

   Don't talk that sh*t on the internet, then get as quiet as a library when you see me in person.

   I don't think any woman could ever break my heart as much as the prequels to Star Wars did.

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

   Always suspicious of a mitten wave....

   Don't do anything you're going to regret in the morning. Or at least leave before regret wakes up!

   Valentines day was set up as a yearly reminder for wimps who couldnt appreciate the best they have every day!

   Always be positive! For example: I am positive that I hate Casey Anthony.

   How come every time I have to deal with customer service or technical support of anything, it's always some incompetent person telling me to do what I've already been doing. Like it's my fault that their crap doesn't work.

   CASE OF THE EX: I laugh at my mistakes, so please excuse me while I laugh in your face.

   Whenever someone deletes me as a friend I automatically think, crap they found out how many times I viewed their photos.

   thinking I could definitely meet my weight loss goal if I had to pedal to use the computer