Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own farts.

   cant fool us you swamp rat below, go vote for Bernie and let the rest of intelligent people post

   Yo, idiot below! So we were wrong about that, stop rubbing it in all the God damn time! This is why we hate the libs, they can never let things go!

   Climate control advise from a bar tender and a 16 year old with issues

   Why is Collin Kaepernick so angry? You would be too if God had put pubic hair on top of your head.

   The only problem with Chris Christie closing the beach to everyone but himself... Not enough people there to push him back into the water.

   BREAKING: White House informs the public of excess bread in America resulting from a lack of sandwiches being made this weekend.

   I have developed awkward into a powerful weapon for shutting down conversation.

   The wor$t thing about public media is you add every Tom, D!cckk, and Harry to the list of your friends, connections or followers.

   Kentucky pickup line- I'm just goin to follow you home anyway, so get in the truck.

   Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?

   Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.

   Her: If I'm going to go down on you, can I at least have a hair band? Him: Of course *press play on Skid Row CD*

   Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness. Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.

   Never trust a girl who has her own face set as the background of her phone.

   Mike Tyson claims he was high during fights. Strange he seemed so normal and in control of himself.

   The best thing about all these crazy Potato Chip flavors is that we don't need to make side dishes for the Turkey this year.

   it spelled Beiber or Bieber? I want this death threat to sound legit.

   One of my biggest fears is meeting Bono from U2 and saying "I'm a huge fan, Bobo."

   Hot singles in your area want to work out and eat healthy while you watch Netflix in your underwear .