Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I havn't heard the word "manhunt" so much since the last gay pride parade

   I always get to work late. And since my boss is female, I naturally assume she doesn’t like men who come early.

   I wish my grade school teachers could see how much better I've gotten at hardcore spacing out.

   White w omen with weaves seriously worry me!

   If I ever get pulled over again, I am gonna sing the "Like a good neighbor State Farm is there" song and wave both hands at the police officer like I am doing a magic trick.

   I bet Jay Leno is amazing at putting on pillow cases & folding blankets.

   BREAKING: White House informs the public of excess bread in America resulting from a lack of sandwiches being made this weekend.

   When I said I'd do anything for you I meant fight bad guys or slay dragons...not vacuum or do the dishes.

   Why is Collin Kaepernick so angry? You would be too if God had put pubic hair on top of your head.

   cant fool us you swamp rat below, go vote for Bernie and let the rest of intelligent people post

   Yo, idiot below! So we were wrong about that, stop rubbing it in all the God damn time! This is why we hate the libs, they can never let things go!

   My husband and dog are a lot alike. They both want what I’m eating and get startled awake by their own farts.

   The only problem with Chris Christie closing the beach to everyone but himself... Not enough people there to push him back into the water.

   Climate control advise from a bar tender and a 16 year old with issues

   People usually ask me why I don't have any tattoos, I asked them " would you put a bumper sticker on your Ferrari ?

   I have developed awkward into a powerful weapon for shutting down conversation.

   The wor$t thing about public media is you add every Tom, D!cckk, and Harry to the list of your friends, connections or followers.

   Kentucky pickup line- I'm just goin to follow you home anyway, so get in the truck.

   Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?

   Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.