Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man Ive been sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, have a stuffy head, and a fever... is there any kind of medication that I can take for that and it will help me rest???

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

   ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

   It's official Bert & Ernie has been sharing the same bedroom for 40 years now! Happy 40th Birthday Sesame Street.

   I got me some new underwear today! Well they're new to me anyway...

   If you eat smores with a knife and fork you have no soul.

   You dont have to be a mule to be an ass

   Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.

   SEX- now that I have your attention....(real status)

   I have a ton of leftover horse. I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

   just downloaded this Lebron tone for my phone but I can't hear it cuz it doesn't have a RING!

   Imagine living with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 years... I think Osama called the US Navy Seals himself

   Happiness isn't getting what you love, it's loving what you get...

   I tried pulling myself up by my bootstraps, now I've got a concussion and two broken bootstraps

   I only like Tuesday because it rhymes with Booze Day....

   SEX It may have only 3 letters but it can have as many characters as you like.

   What's the objective for Jewish football......To get the quarterback!

   Put my thing down, flipped it and reversed it. Now its inside out. Send help.

   They say you are what you eat...so I'm gonna eat a skinny person

   I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I'm just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!