Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you aren't on the Grand Jury in Louisville then your opinion is $hit...

   The higher the crime rate in an area the better the chicken wings

   Fun Fact: The 2nd amendment is why we have the other 26 amendments

   Wow! That shirt is hideous!!! It really compliments your face.

   why is it that when I see a pregnant woman and her man, I always tend to picture them having sex??

   Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against tables,chairs,etc).

   wondering if Tiger Woods is dreaming of a White Mistress?

   A pedestrian just hit me and went under my car.

   Man Ive been sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, have a stuffy head, and a fever... is there any kind of medication that I can take for that and it will help me rest???

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

   ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

   It's official Bert & Ernie has been sharing the same bedroom for 40 years now! Happy 40th Birthday Sesame Street.

   I got me some new underwear today! Well they're new to me anyway...

   If you eat smores with a knife and fork you have no soul.

   You dont have to be a mule to be an ass

   Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.

   SEX- now that I have your attention....(real status)

   I have a ton of leftover horse. I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

   just downloaded this Lebron tone for my phone but I can't hear it cuz it doesn't have a RING!

   Imagine living with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 years... I think Osama called the US Navy Seals himself