Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

   My female friend told me she was concerned because her new friend was a Lesbian and she isn't ! I told her don't worry, just be straight with her ! :0)

   •You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   ''Holy sh!t! Is this my mother?'' - Snooki's baby

   A girl told me today "a lot of guys want me" I told her " that doesn't surprise me, keep in mind honey that cheap things usually attract many customers"

   there a better way to let people in a bar know you're an a$$hole other than carrying around a motorcycle helmet?

   C'mon Lotto! I just want to be rich enough for Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life in real time.

   Violets are blue, roses are red, I wrote this poem for you so give me some head.

   I took some deer antler extract once. Made me horny...

   Every woman thinks she's fat except the ones that are.

   trying to decide, laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   Dr King had a dream and Obama turned it into a nightmare

   When people ask why do I NEED a 30-round magazine for my gun, I say "Why did Rosa Parks NEED to sit at the front of the bus?" Because she had a right to do so. That's why.

   To any American who wants a better life, leave the country, denounce your US citizenship and come back as an illegal immigrant. . .

   lying in bed with my wife and whispers in her ear, "Hey, how would you like to play a nice little game of rape?" Taken back by the question, she loudly says "NO!". I man replied, "That's the spirit!"

   Obama was just on the air and clearly read from his teleprompter that he will now put his full concentration into the issue of JOBS! (for the 19th time).

   If airplane windows don't roll down, how does the pilot stick his head out the window to make sure his dog is okay?

   If money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it in churches?

   How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue toast to the celing.

   What a beautiful country, shame about all the Libtards.