Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The irony, I was conceived on a pull out couch...

   Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, You couldn't buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure..

   Fake eyelashes are okay if they look natural, but some of you women look like you gonna take flight if you blink too fast.

   To the virgin bellow; Maybe its those crocs you wear.

   I'm done looking for a woman, ladies quit sending me your numbers please and thank you.

   ATTENTION ANYONE UNDER 25: There was a time Ice Cube was the baddest rapper on the planet. No, seriously. Stop laughing. It’s true.

   C'mon Lotto! I just want to be rich enough for Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life in real time.

   Violets are blue, roses are red, I wrote this poem for you so give me some head.

   I took some deer antler extract once. Made me horny...

   there a better way to let people in a bar know you're an a$$hole other than carrying around a motorcycle helmet?

   Dr King had a dream and Obama turned it into a nightmare

   When people ask why do I NEED a 30-round magazine for my gun, I say "Why did Rosa Parks NEED to sit at the front of the bus?" Because she had a right to do so. That's why.

   To any American who wants a better life, leave the country, denounce your US citizenship and come back as an illegal immigrant. . .

   lying in bed with my wife and whispers in her ear, "Hey, how would you like to play a nice little game of rape?" Taken back by the question, she loudly says "NO!". I man replied, "That's the spirit!"

   If airplane windows don't roll down, how does the pilot stick his head out the window to make sure his dog is okay?

   Obama was just on the air and clearly read from his teleprompter that he will now put his full concentration into the issue of JOBS! (for the 19th time).

   If money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it in churches?

   How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue toast to the celing.

   What a beautiful country, shame about all the Libtards.

   This alpha bits cereal that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than anything out of Joe Biden's mouth