Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never have a tea party with your daughter if you know the only water she can reach is the toilet.

   Thanks Facebook for reporting my friends non-important events in real time :( Pretty certain that is the definition of tattling!

   The uneasy Sunday church moment when you know that same chick in the choir got rained on with dollars last night at the strip club.

   This guy I know has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass

   Life's a trip.....tie your shoes

   in the future wedding vows will include "Do you take this person as your married to status link on Facebook?"

   thinks that instead of reposting statuses it would be a better idea if all women with a "wonderful man" would cook him his favourite meal and dress up for his bedroom fantasies instead ;).... just saying, but the reposting thing is cool too.

   My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

   If after sex, you have said, “you couldn't imagine me being someone else either eh?”….seek help….

   They should just put a big ol' "Fu** You!" sign up beside the gas prices at the gas station...

   thinks "going to the gym" should mean more than just walking there and then walking home.

   This one time, at band camp... I played the tamborine :) What did you think I was going to do at band camp?

   To the 'Jolly Old England' poster - use your spell checker, dimwit.

   You know what is better than dry shampoo? Showering.

   the good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

   (Insert depressing and melancholy observations, complaints and status updates in this box.)

   some people deserve the middle finger more often

   Tonight is a Jim Croce night. I most definitely will be spending some time in a bottle!

   My couple friends just keep me around so that when they fight they can refer to me to remind them how awful & lonely it is to be single.

   Give Yourself a Haircut Tip # 1: Don't