Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook wants me to reconnect with a lot of girls who's boobies I touched when I was 16.

   Im so lonely, I go to the airport just for the pat-downs.

   When do we start referring to horribly failed relationships as being Taylor-made?

   A headache is just a thought running around your brain wearing stilettos.

   Sometimes if I'm alone at night I have this horrible fear that a murderous stranger will break in wearing like, the exact same outfit as me.

   Unless your name is OXYGEN, I won't die if you ever leave me.

   If you think my relationships are unhealthy.... You should see my diet.

   Chad Johnson got 30 days in jail for slapping his lawyer's ass. Good thing he didn't bring a cooler of Gatorade.

   Keep the planet clean. Its not Uranus

   It's not the snooze that gets me up, it's the shame of the 5th time..

   I just ran over a mime.,,, Well, now he’s a mime.

   Any woman that has hand sanitizer in her purse will hide your body where nobody will ever find it.

   Give me coffee or give me breath.

   I like animals more than people. Mind you I also kill, skin, butcher, and eat animals.

   10 whole years in the friend zone and you are still friends? What an idiot.

   Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend - stalker, needy, arrogant, troublemaker,and ignorant - deleted and blocked.

   Dinners not done until the smoke detector says it is.

   Disney has turned into America's Next Top Slut competition. Call in Britney to host with Christina and Lindsay for judges.

   MTV better start playing something else other than the VMAs, because if I have to see miley twerking one more time, I'm going to volunteer as tribute for the next hunger games

   Breaking: Miley Cyrus to appear on Lap Dancing with the Stars.