Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any woman that has hand sanitizer in her purse will hide your body where nobody will ever find it.

   Give me coffee or give me breath.

   I like animals more than people. Mind you I also kill, skin, butcher, and eat animals.

   10 whole years in the friend zone and you are still friends? What an idiot.

   Hell hath no fury like a Facebook friend - stalker, needy, arrogant, troublemaker,and ignorant - deleted and blocked.

   Dinners not done until the smoke detector says it is.

   Disney has turned into America's Next Top Slut competition. Call in Britney to host with Christina and Lindsay for judges.

   MTV better start playing something else other than the VMAs, because if I have to see miley twerking one more time, I'm going to volunteer as tribute for the next hunger games

   Breaking: Miley Cyrus to appear on Lap Dancing with the Stars.

   It really isn't a good idea to be left with your own thoughts. I just had a long discussion with myself. We both agreed

   You look like you would ruin my life. Let's have sex. -women

   Colorado is the first state to legalize marijuana! only 21 and up Time to play some bob marley.

   remember when being homecoming queen meant you were hot and popular

   my wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she's bluffing...

   LIKE if you're still stuck at the Kid's table.

   People SMOKE & DRINK for few days & get addicted.......Look at me. I am WORKING for all these years, but not YET ADDICTED to WORK. This is called "SELF CONTROL"

   Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they're easier to spot when I go through the bar's lost and found box.

   i gotta carry my phone around with me 24/7 just in case nobody texts me

   There are almost 7 billion people in the world, and you are the dumbest one. That is impressive.

   If Costco doesn't start serving beer samples using a topless server, I'm seriously considering taking my business to Hooters!