Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve decided to become a Disney princess* *pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

   After further review, Arron Hernadez's feet did not touch the ground. The ruling in the cell stands.

   And They Want $15 An Hour: "Welcome to McDonald's." "Can I get a half dozen chicken nuggets please?" "We only serve 6, 10 or 20 piece." "So you don't sell half a dozen chicken nuggets?" "No sir." "Okay, I'll take the 6 piece."

   Spicer reminds me of a toddler who got caught with his hands in the cookie jar, and crumbs on his face, trying to convince everyone that he wasn't the person who took the cookies.

   Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.

   Lindsay Lohan has almost made her full transition from child star to Hamburglar.

   "A gripping tale of love and survival..." is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.

   Understanding is what allows someone like me to tolerate someone like you.

   My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.

   Facebook wants me to reconnect with a lot of girls who's boobies I touched when I was 16.

   Im so lonely, I go to the airport just for the pat-downs.

   When do we start referring to horribly failed relationships as being Taylor-made?

   A headache is just a thought running around your brain wearing stilettos.

   Sometimes if I'm alone at night I have this horrible fear that a murderous stranger will break in wearing like, the exact same outfit as me.

   Unless your name is OXYGEN, I won't die if you ever leave me.

   If you think my relationships are unhealthy.... You should see my diet.

   Chad Johnson got 30 days in jail for slapping his lawyer's ass. Good thing he didn't bring a cooler of Gatorade.

   Keep the planet clean. Its not Uranus

   It's not the snooze that gets me up, it's the shame of the 5th time..

   I just ran over a mime.,,, Well, now he’s a mime.