Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Whiskey is not the answer. Whiskey is the question, yes is the answer. 
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess* *pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
And They Want $15 An Hour: "Welcome to McDonald's." "Can I get a half dozen chicken nuggets please?" "We only serve 6, 10 or 20 piece." "So you don't sell half a dozen chicken nuggets?" "No sir." "Okay, I'll take the 6 piece."
Spicer reminds me of a toddler who got caught with his hands in the cookie jar, and crumbs on his face, trying to convince everyone that he wasn't the person who took the cookies.
A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”
After further review, Arron Hernadez's feet did not touch the ground. The ruling in the cell stands.
"Damn, this is going to get ugly" I thought, as my wife removed her makeup!
Since the stores are all sold out... I'm thinking maybe Trump can get us some of those paper towels back he gave to Puerto Rico.
Did you hear the joke about the cure for COVID19? It's a riot.
The Washington Redskins are dropping the name "Redskins" for cultural correctness, which is fantastic. But, to prevent other global embarrassments, I would drop the "Washington " as well
Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.
Lindsay Lohan has almost made her full transition from child star to Hamburglar.
"A gripping tale of love and survival..." is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.
Understanding is what allows someone like me to tolerate someone like you.
My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.
Facebook wants me to reconnect with a lot of girls who's boobies I touched when I was 16.
Im so lonely, I go to the airport just for the pat-downs.
When do we start referring to horribly failed relationships as being Taylor-made?
A headache is just a thought running around your brain wearing stilettos. 