Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pretty psyched for my new dog to start pooping tinsel.

   I've learnt one very interesting thing about money... it doesn't buy class no matter how many millions of it you have got.

   Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I'll eat next.

   Going to start living like a dog...If I cant eat it or play with it....I will piss on it and walk away

   The only mistake that I regret is the one where I let you live after you reminded me of every mistake that I've made.

   I'll probably be a pretty successful ghost someday since I already refuse to leave the house.

   If you emphasize the po in police they're probably already after you.

   People who have an option to sleep but are still jogging at 6 in the morning in this cold. *slow clap*

   Bieber fever begins with a rash on your gentials that quickly spreads to the brain.

   There's a rumor going around that Google will be changing it's name to Skynet.

   Jay Cutler's protection fails him again!!

   [at job interview] "As I explained to everyone in the lobby, if I get the job, I'll buy pants. It's simple."

   ever wonder if someone trusts you? grab the hammer & say "hold the nail"

   4-year-olds can be a pain in the ass. 4-year old nice: “Why don’t you wear makeup?” Me: “Because I don’t need to. I’m a boy.” 4-year old nice: “Do you enjoy being ugly?”

   "This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I’m dating him."

   I remember back in the 70's when Yoga was called Twister. . .

   New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow.

   I can take care of my enemies.....but lord, please protect me from my friends ~ Unknown

   I suspect that my local Wal-Mart's selling knock-off canned spaghetti... I'd investigate,, but I'm worried it'll open a whole can of worms.