Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I fart in my office, it's always 2 seconds before someone decides to walk in.

   Doctor's can no longer tell people they are fat... Stupid Hippo laws.

   I'm available for drinking purposes only.

   "It's not a contest." - losers

   I have a bad case of the mondays only it's everyday and it's called existence.

   Ladies, You know that thing you do, where you try to make us guess what you're feeling? How's that working out for you?

   wonders if he is actually attractive and girls are just afraid to talk to him?

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "f?ck you" to "whatever you say honey

   the center of a doughnut is completly fat free!

   if a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

   Sorry but if your dog is small enough to be carried away by a falcon then it shouldn't be called a dog.

   So the presidential election is between a grandma who can't figure out her email and a grandpa who believes every spam he receives? Great.

   Apparently Milania Trump is an extremely influential speaker ..... She gives one single speech and all of a sudden Hillary Supporters are all about Honesty and Integrity. Heck ... I wonder what would happen if she gives another one!

   I remember 9 months before I was born I went to a party with dad and left with mom.

   There █████ █ ████ is ███ █ no █████ █ ████ problem █ ████ █████ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is█████ ████ ████ fine ████ ██

   The best thing about being an Atheist is that no one watches you masturbate, unless you want them to.

   Tonights orgy is canceled guys. Jerry has diarrhea...

   I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

   dreamt she was a muffler last night.... and woke up totally exhausted.

   Apparently getting naked and crawling on Santas lap saying " I've been a bad, bad girl" is not appropriate behavior at the mall. Who knew?