Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "f?ck you" to "whatever you say honey

   the center of a doughnut is completly fat free!

   if a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

   Sorry but if your dog is small enough to be carried away by a falcon then it shouldn't be called a dog.

   So the presidential election is between a grandma who can't figure out her email and a grandpa who believes every spam he receives? Great.

   Apparently Milania Trump is an extremely influential speaker ..... She gives one single speech and all of a sudden Hillary Supporters are all about Honesty and Integrity. Heck ... I wonder what would happen if she gives another one!

   I remember 9 months before I was born I went to a party with dad and left with mom.

   There █████ █ ████ is ███ █ no █████ █ ████ problem █ ████ █████ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is█████ ████ ████ fine ████ ██

   The best thing about being an Atheist is that no one watches you masturbate, unless you want them to.

   Tonights orgy is canceled guys. Jerry has diarrhea...

   I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

   dreamt she was a muffler last night.... and woke up totally exhausted.

   Apparently getting naked and crawling on Santas lap saying " I've been a bad, bad girl" is not appropriate behavior at the mall. Who knew?

   Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, look at phone, check Facebook…  

   If you can't beat 'em cheat 'em -Harry Ried

   What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip.

   wished mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

   This little piggy went to market.This little piggy stayed at home.This little piggy had roast beef.This little piggy had none.And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

   Dear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman

   I decided to get in touch with my feminine side today. I made myself a sandwich.