Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wake me up, before you go, ho.

   Ladies, the "honey do" list will get completed more completely and more enthusiastically if the last thing on the list is "get awesome BJ from wife."

   Lamar Odom is missing and is a crackhead. Let that be a lesson guys, NEVER date a Kardashian.

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means... but think about it.

   just read wikileaks next bombshell is that Captain Crunch was actually only rose to the rank of Ensign

   99 problems. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Problems solved.

   The two favorite buttons I LOVE on Facebook: "Hide all posts from this person" and "Hide friend request".

   You know what would be better than leaving our porchlights on for Caylee tonight? Have hunters turn their spotlights on Casey and turn the hounds loose....

   Why are you tryin so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out

   if you text me "lol", I will reply "prove it"

   "Sorry" isn't a verb so don't expect it to fix things for you.

   MEN: Stop lying about what you do.. WOMEN: Stop lying about what you don't.

   K.Y. Slip-n-Slide party at my place tonight!

   Dear Trash, At least you get picked up...Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore

   Hillary Clinton should be the first f-president. I was going to say female but somebody deleted the 'emale'.

   Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 1) Turning water to wine... 2) Raising Lazarus... 3) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

   Every time I see a female sword swallower I think ...... she use to have a black boyfriend

   Obama is like that one kid in Kindergarten that quits playing when he doesnt get his way.

   ʇı puɐ ʇı dılɟ uɐɔ

   I wonder if the BOSS played "Born in the USA" yesterday just to get under Donald Trumps skin.