Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   woman, get in that kitchen and cook me a turkey pot pie!!

   The only "B" word you should call a women is beautiful. B*tches love to be called beautiful

   Who cares what Dr. Oz says? He used to be a Wizard, now he's only a Doctor. Screw that loser. He's clearly on the way down.

   Remember children are our future...If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.

   Today I chased a plastic bag down the street.. Not to capture any great beauty or anything.. It had my weed in it.

   Rodney King is dead at age 47. Anyone who stole a TV thanks to the ass-kicking this man took should honor him in a moment of silence

   "Did you cum?" - why is it when I say it I sound apologetic but when she says it she sounds accusatory?

   Appreciate the little things. Hug a midget

   Remember the last rule of Fight Club is, "Most importantly: have fun!"

   I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts

   I'll probably never love anything as much as this sweet old lady sitting next to me at the Blackjack table loves her next cigarette.

   That f^cked up moment when your Ex girlfriend tags you in a photo of her licking her new boyfriend's abs.

   Right now you make about as much sense as an Alzheimer's patient applying for a job as a history teacher.

   I just made eye contact with a guy in a turtleneck and now I like Coldplay.

   You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.

   I wonder how many fries are eaten every year between the drive thru window and the parking lot exit.

   wonder I dyslexics if can read this.

   Walmart sucks. (The money out of my wallet.)

   I want to get a Henna tattoo that says "Forever"

   "Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."