Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WOW! Can you believe Justin Bieber is 17 today, seems like just yesterday she was just a little girl playing in her room with her karaoke machine. Next thing you know she'll find a nice guy and get married and start having kids of her own.

   You're never more beautiful than when you're looking up at me with my co*k in your mouth.

   Groundhog Day and State of the Union address will occur on the same date. This is an ironic event. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence. The other's a groundh

   I missed the zombie apocalypse um... er.... I mean Inauguration today...

   Sex is a sensation caused by a temptation, a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination to increase the population of the next generation, do you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?

   Dear Mr. undercover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas. ;)

   Ok Ladies here are your choices , we leave the seat up , or we leave the seat down and let you clean up the piss , it can't be all about you

   woman, get in that kitchen and cook me a turkey pot pie!!

   The only "B" word you should call a women is beautiful. B*tches love to be called beautiful

   Who cares what Dr. Oz says? He used to be a Wizard, now he's only a Doctor. Screw that loser. He's clearly on the way down.

   Remember children are our future...If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.

   Today I chased a plastic bag down the street.. Not to capture any great beauty or anything.. It had my weed in it.

   Rodney King is dead at age 47. Anyone who stole a TV thanks to the ass-kicking this man took should honor him in a moment of silence

   "Did you cum?" - why is it when I say it I sound apologetic but when she says it she sounds accusatory?

   Appreciate the little things. Hug a midget

   Remember the last rule of Fight Club is, "Most importantly: have fun!"

   I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts

   I'll probably never love anything as much as this sweet old lady sitting next to me at the Blackjack table loves her next cigarette.

   That f^cked up moment when your Ex girlfriend tags you in a photo of her licking her new boyfriend's abs.

   Right now you make about as much sense as an Alzheimer's patient applying for a job as a history teacher.