Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should have invested money in companies that manufacture Locking Gas Caps

   Double-fisted- when you're so drunk, you forget you had a full beer and order another one.

   Being out of shape takes the pressure off at the gym. When that pretty girls winks in your direction, you can be sure it's the toned guy behind you.

   if you have to ask how someone feels about you then the answer is not going to be good...

   If light travels so fast, then whats wrong with these new compact flouresent light bulbs? Is that why they are "energy efficient"? Because they don't turn on when you hit the switch?

   You know your ego is too big when it enters the room before you do.

   Mcdonald's just came out with a new burger. It's called "The McObama" If you order that, then the guy behind you has to pay for it.

   If Obama had a son, would he look like the murderer of that Austrailian kid??

   Wow, Mitt. First animal abuse and now a school bully.....and you think you're a good example?.......of what?

   Why is it that when you get your girlfriend pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations"... but nobody rubs your d*ck and says "good job?"

   Contrary to popular belief, the best relationship does not start with great sex; the best relationship always starts with a great friendship.

   Just a thought: Do Muslims write OMA instead of OMG?

   Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Allah, Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Allah, Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... BLAH! - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

   OK, New Orleans, time for your seven year washing!!

   I now count my girlfriend as my best friend. It used to be Dave but he won't suck my c*ck.

   What is the difference between a virgin and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you around for months after you put a load in it.

   Trump wants Obama to show his birth certificate.. In other news, Trump is still trying to find all his marriage certificates.

   There are 5 things in life you cannot recover: A stone...after it's thrown. A word...after it is said. An occasion...after it's missed. The time...after it's gone. A person...after they die. Life is short. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly.

   I don't drink milk often but when I do I prefer Dos Titties

   Hitler should have done the world a favour and wiped out the towel heads instead.