Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mom talks into her cell phone like she just hit the cap lock key on her voice

   Don't forget to do nothing about your problems and complain about them on the internet forever.

   Love is being someone's favorite confusion.

   Current emotion: I need money.

   The more she claps her hands while talking, the more children she has had with different fathers.

   I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman who's status you did not like...

   You don't just spontaneously end up this drunk at this hour. It takes several years of practice.

   My relationship with pizza is the only relationship that has never failed me.

   I can’t express to you in words how much I love you and that’s why I’m at your house setting up candles and sharpening your knives.

   Religions change; beer and wine remain.

   Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.

   If cars ran on BS, we would all have a full tank..

   Im sensing a global nervous laugh...

   The most beautifull blessing that can ever be given to anyone:"May the worst day of your future be better than the best day of your past..."

   There's always that feeling of relief when you run in 10 minutes late for class, and it turns out that your teacher is later than you.

   First of all bro if you want to have a more manly image, you need to ditch the zebra stripe seatcovers.

   I can use facebook for things other than finding a partner now that I can count on the gas pump to screw me

   Peace out, Osama... tell the Devil I said, "Hey" when you get back to where you're from.

   Its funny how Governments evolution is opposite as to mans evolution.