Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't just spontaneously end up this drunk at this hour. It takes several years of practice.

   My relationship with pizza is the only relationship that has never failed me.

   I can’t express to you in words how much I love you and that’s why I’m at your house setting up candles and sharpening your knives.

   Religions change; beer and wine remain.

   Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.

   If cars ran on BS, we would all have a full tank..

   Im sensing a global nervous laugh...

   The most beautifull blessing that can ever be given to anyone:"May the worst day of your future be better than the best day of your past..."

   There's always that feeling of relief when you run in 10 minutes late for class, and it turns out that your teacher is later than you.

   First of all bro if you want to have a more manly image, you need to ditch the zebra stripe seatcovers.

   I can use facebook for things other than finding a partner now that I can count on the gas pump to screw me

   Peace out, Osama... tell the Devil I said, "Hey" when you get back to where you're from.

   Its funny how Governments evolution is opposite as to mans evolution.

   I should have invested money in companies that manufacture Locking Gas Caps

   Double-fisted- when you're so drunk, you forget you had a full beer and order another one.

   Being out of shape takes the pressure off at the gym. When that pretty girls winks in your direction, you can be sure it's the toned guy behind you.

   if you have to ask how someone feels about you then the answer is not going to be good...

   If light travels so fast, then whats wrong with these new compact flouresent light bulbs? Is that why they are "energy efficient"? Because they don't turn on when you hit the switch?

   You know your ego is too big when it enters the room before you do.

   Mcdonald's just came out with a new burger. It's called "The McObama" If you order that, then the guy behind you has to pay for it.