Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You want to hear me laugh, ask for money.

   If you guys need me I'll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

   Advice to men: If a woman ever says "Are you wearing that?" it should never be worn. It's best to throw it away now. Trust me on this one.

   I don't think a child should win America's Got Talent, because performing at 2 am in a Las Vegas casino is simply too cruel.

   A lady would text you at 8:10 and expect you to text back at 8:09

   Your popularity in High School will translate well into the real world!!!

   My Mom always told me to carry a scissors point upward so if I fall I wouldn't ruin her carpet.

   How To Fit In At Work: Use fancy catch phrases like "at the end of the day."

   We didn't pay attention to each other before phones, we just hid it better...

   Having a basset hound is like having a teenage boy. He sleeps til noon, doesn't listen to me and his feet smell like corn chips.

   You think you're important.....and I think you should stop thinking

   "This just doesn't feel right" - me outside

   if anyone needs a hand with their kegel exercises, let me know.

   When my wife is angry with me, she'll not only stops talking to me, she'll also send me blank tex messages.

   Somebody told me I should join Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in 2019. I said, naw. That's for quitters

   I'll never understand those baby on board signs? Like thanks for letting me know as I was just about to purposely ram my car into yours for absolutely no apparent reason until I saw your sign!

   Pictures of missing rich kids should go on the back of skimmed-milk!

   That's it, After tomorrow at noon, I will be taking the rest of the year off.

   I just cleaned up my friends list. So if you could see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.

   What if we used to be able to make wishes but then someone wished we couldn't?