Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How To Fit In At Work: Use fancy catch phrases like "at the end of the day."

   We didn't pay attention to each other before phones, we just hid it better...

   Having a basset hound is like having a teenage boy. He sleeps til noon, doesn't listen to me and his feet smell like corn chips.

   You think you're important.....and I think you should stop thinking

   "This just doesn't feel right" - me outside

   if anyone needs a hand with their kegel exercises, let me know.

   When my wife is angry with me, she'll not only stops talking to me, she'll also send me blank tex messages.

   Somebody told me I should join Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in 2019. I said, naw. That's for quitters

   I'll never understand those baby on board signs? Like thanks for letting me know as I was just about to purposely ram my car into yours for absolutely no apparent reason until I saw your sign!

   Pictures of missing rich kids should go on the back of skimmed-milk!

   That's it, After tomorrow at noon, I will be taking the rest of the year off.

   I just cleaned up my friends list. So if you could see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.

   What if we used to be able to make wishes but then someone wished we couldn't?

   The reason that a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup make such a great combination is because they the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   some days you're the statue, some days you're the pigeon

   Y’all really spending $300 for hotels rooms on Valentine’s Day to do the same 3 position y’all do at home?

   Was gonna make a subtle joke about the Rueben I got at a deli the other day but I'm not sure everyone would appreciate the rye humor.

   I don't want to brag, but I have the dietary habits of a much younger man.

   I changed all my clocks but I forgot to change my watch. So now I can't find it, because it's like, in the past, man.

   When you like somebody but they want to fix you up with their friend. That's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"