Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Babies are like little miracles that poop wherever they want and scream at everybody

   When asked what's the capital of Greece? Greece is bankrupt and it has no capital.

   60 And Pregnant #UnpopularTelevisionShows.

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost.... *Goes to Ikea.

   She was full-figured, and I loved her in spite of the extra duct tape I had to buy.

   I love having marital relations. My wife knows what I like and I know what she won't do!

   Me: I'm lonely Vodka: hey

   Do the villains in Scooby-Doo know they have the right to remain silent?

   Binary math is as easy as 01 10 11

   So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off,, and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

   MANGOES (n): wherever woman goes.

   It’s cute how some people still believe in love and happily ever after.

   Told the owner of my company that I'm not coming in Monday because he has this new "Affluenza" and I don't want to catch it.

   Women are always calm and relaxed, when they don't know you're watching through their window.

   North Korea's fax: USA, We will attack you without warning... p.s. This fax is not a warning... p.s.s. This fax is not indicative of our technology

   I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!

   She's totally hot, dude! Trust me! - alcohol

   You know the passion is gone when you watch a whole movie together.

   You're not totally useless, you can be used as a bad example for frightening others.

   someone to love and someone that loves me. and it would be awesome if they were the same person for once