Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off,, and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

   MANGOES (n): wherever woman goes.

   It’s cute how some people still believe in love and happily ever after.

   Told the owner of my company that I'm not coming in Monday because he has this new "Affluenza" and I don't want to catch it.

   Women are always calm and relaxed, when they don't know you're watching through their window.

   North Korea's fax: USA, We will attack you without warning... p.s. This fax is not a warning... p.s.s. This fax is not indicative of our technology

   I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!

   She's totally hot, dude! Trust me! - alcohol

   You know the passion is gone when you watch a whole movie together.

   You're not totally useless, you can be used as a bad example for frightening others.

   someone to love and someone that loves me. and it would be awesome if they were the same person for once

   CVS is no longer selling cigarettes. They say, "It's the right thing to do for our customers and our company in their path for better health." I go to CVS all the time. If they want to promote better health, maybe they should stop selling Cheese Whiz, Cir

   Love isn't going to knock on your door, unless you fall in love with a Jehovah's Witness.

   A lot of guys get married just because they're hungry.

   “Listen here, we are watching the movie together for the first time, I also don’t know what that guy is going to do with the gun” - Every man watching a movie with a woman.

   Rainy day entertainment idea: Take the kids to Cabela's,, or as I call it, "The Really Still Zoo."

   Home is where your neighbors see you walk around with no pants on.

   If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where I can return Monday.

   I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"

   Nothing says MISTAKEN quite like following me on Twitter and expecting me to tweet bible verses or inspirational tweets.