Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end ya get the faster it goes.

   It's got to be interesting for those kids from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition when they become teenagers Imagine trying to bring a girl back to your place. "Hey baby, ever done it in a bed shaped like a T-Rex's head?"

   Ladies: If he had to run to the car to scrape up some change to buy you a drink do yourself a favour and walk away.

   Facebook: A place where you can make your life look like something it's not.

   If at first you don't succeed, redefine the mission.

   When you give it all you got, you sometimes end up with nothing.

   There would be a lot less entering of "Do not enter" areas if they didn't have a "Do not enter" sign.

   I have come to the conclusion that I need more whipped cream in my life.

   Heeey, it's Tinder Tuesday! *logs in* Yep. I'm still unlovable within a 50-mile radius.

   What time will humans be inside so I can go grocery shopping alone?

   I never thought the thug life would involve so many bills.

   Babies are like little miracles that poop wherever they want and scream at everybody

   When asked what's the capital of Greece? Greece is bankrupt and it has no capital.

   60 And Pregnant #UnpopularTelevisionShows.

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost.... *Goes to Ikea.

   She was full-figured, and I loved her in spite of the extra duct tape I had to buy.

   I love having marital relations. My wife knows what I like and I know what she won't do!

   Me: I'm lonely Vodka: hey

   Do the villains in Scooby-Doo know they have the right to remain silent?

   Binary math is as easy as 01 10 11