Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   JK Rowling proved that some children's books could be over 500 pages. Stephanie Meyers proved that some children's books shouldn't ever be written.

   Lead us not into Temptation - Just tell us where it is!

   if your not living life on the edge....... your taking up too much space!

   Just ate two Double Downs at KFC, now there is an ambulance gurney following me everywhere

   I may not meet my wife in college...But I damn sure have met my bros throwing my bachelor party

   has discovered that people will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

   now playing "Ice Ice Baby" Dont Judge Me

   just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity that isn't bound an gagged

   went to Benjamin Moore and learned that her skin color is Pueblo Sand. Which is too bad, because we're in a race war with the people who are Classic Taupe.

   wondering if we are supposed to call them "man made disasterists" since it's not terrorism anymore.

   living in my own little world, but its ok they know me here...

   This is a Facebook wall, not a knitting class. You don't come onto my wall, drop a challenge and leave.

   celebrating Elvis style tonight....putting on his cape and bringing extra scarves for the ladies.

   Dear Darwin. I just found a few more candidates for you on the drive into work.

   as much as I like to laugh at AI, having Steve Tyler as a judge is like having Secretariat giving pony rides at a child's party.

   spent my life in books and written pages, lived and learned from fools and from sages

   getting a restraining order on Old Man Winter

   ... CAT RULE #2: Get plenty of sleep so you can play at 4am

   The only reason I'd want to be both rich and famous is so that I can arrange dates with pretentious gold-diggers that are aware of my wealth and status -- then pick them up for our date in a beat-up, lime green Kia Rio and see their reaction.

   bad news is time flys, good news is your the pilot