Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All countries have the Coronavirus, but China got it right off the bat

   Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

   They said wearing a mask keeps you from touching your face… I need one for my d*ck.

   I'm no good at push ups, or pull ups or sit ups...I'm pretty good at f**k ups though.

   can't stand it when someone posts some spoiling info about a movie I haven't seen yet.

   Betty Crocker likes to spoon?

   elegantly wasted.

   I had to use my AK this afternoon.. Still, it was a good day, as I only used it to scratch my back.

   wants to go back in time and give the person just about to invent the "high five" a high five, then sit back and watch the universe implode

   JK Rowling proved that some children's books could be over 500 pages. Stephanie Meyers proved that some children's books shouldn't ever be written.

   Lead us not into Temptation - Just tell us where it is!

   if your not living life on the edge....... your taking up too much space!

   Just ate two Double Downs at KFC, now there is an ambulance gurney following me everywhere

   I may not meet my wife in college...But I damn sure have met my bros throwing my bachelor party

   has discovered that people will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

   now playing "Ice Ice Baby" Dont Judge Me

   just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity that isn't bound an gagged

   went to Benjamin Moore and learned that her skin color is Pueblo Sand. Which is too bad, because we're in a race war with the people who are Classic Taupe.

   wondering if we are supposed to call them "man made disasterists" since it's not terrorism anymore.

   living in my own little world, but its ok they know me here...