Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to start smoking again until I find someone better to do with my mouth.

   Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "Im Pregnant

   She's excited about putting holiday decorations up, I'm excited her periods almost over. Priorities.

   Sunday, my day of rest!! Rest of the laundry, rest of the dusting, rest of the ....

   I'm worried about my bed. It looks really lonely. I'd better give it a few extra hours of cuddling today

   In my darker moments I despair over the injustices I will never be able to stop. Greed. Hunger. Plague. Here Comes Honey-boo-boo

   If anyone ever moans about you leaving a pile clothes on the floor, just tell them it's a dead Jedi.

   If you've never lost your significant other, you've failed as a sock.

   Be good, kids! There's no bacon in hell.

   from now on, I'm only drinking free range beer. You're welcome future generations.

   I don't have any beef with vegetarians.

   My date last night told me she loved being handcuffed yet all she did was b!tch at me as we sat in the back of a squad car after the robbery

   Grammer: The difference between knowing your sh*t and Knowing You're sh*t.

   I have yet to be intimidated by fancy wine lists thanks to my vast knowledge of fancy wines and my eeny, meeny, miny moe system!!!

   When push comes to shove, isn't that just a fight waiting to happen??

   I can summarise the 10 commandments into one: DON'T BE A DOUCHEBAG.

   When I set the bar too high, I just go under it.

   Babe, you can find the key to my heart in any liquor store.

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.

   c[_] see that... It's my care cup... And it's kinda empty -.-