Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A quick and easy way to take care of a problem is to light it on fire.

   People who live in glass houses must really hate birds.

   Tip #12 for Halloween: Dont go dress-up as a toilet and walk in a bar when it just happened to be nickle beer night.

   Crazy how music speaks when words can't...

   a few more days! and all the "political" animals will go back to hibernation for another 4 years and we will have you our sit3 back!

   God created pollsters to make astrologers look accurate

   and Reason 3 why Florida still has no color,,,,You cant just predict anything in Florida, not the Weather, not the Casey Anthonys/Zimmerman or any Court cases... and definitely not the Elections running smoothly!

   I'm going to start smoking again until I find someone better to do with my mouth.

   Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "Im Pregnant

   She's excited about putting holiday decorations up, I'm excited her periods almost over. Priorities.

   Sunday, my day of rest!! Rest of the laundry, rest of the dusting, rest of the ....

   I'm worried about my bed. It looks really lonely. I'd better give it a few extra hours of cuddling today

   In my darker moments I despair over the injustices I will never be able to stop. Greed. Hunger. Plague. Here Comes Honey-boo-boo

   If anyone ever moans about you leaving a pile clothes on the floor, just tell them it's a dead Jedi.

   If you've never lost your significant other, you've failed as a sock.

   Be good, kids! There's no bacon in hell.

   from now on, I'm only drinking free range beer. You're welcome future generations.

   I don't have any beef with vegetarians.

   My date last night told me she loved being handcuffed yet all she did was b!tch at me as we sat in the back of a squad car after the robbery

   Grammer: The difference between knowing your sh*t and Knowing You're sh*t.