Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dryer lint sure does smell a lot better than it tastes.

    As much as I love butter spray bottles it just makes me want Bacon spray bottles." I'd put that $hit on everything "

   I'm following my dreams because I tried reality and that didn't work out so well.

   Whenever I see a fly on a plane, I'm amazed by the wisdom of that choice.

   Do drugs!!" - Reverse psychology drug prevention program

   Sometimes I walk through the baby aisle at the grocery store as a reminder to always use a condom.

   I hate it when people say " you need your beaut sleep" damn B**ch, you need to hibernate!

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   Teenage girls usually get upset after discovering they are pregnant, so I console them. "Your boobs will get bigger!"

   i really wish they would start selling buckets of bacon at the movies. popcorn is getting old.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   Hmmm...THAT wasn't EXACTLY what I had in mind when I'd imagined George Clooney in handcuffs! (LOL!) ♥

   The last time I tried to just "be myself" I almost got submitted to a Mental Institute.

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

   Your name is something I could moan during sex.

   Today is Friday the 13th..not so scary...Oh wait....here comes my ex- I change my statement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   You want to punch little, spoiled brats in the face when they just yell at their parents because they want this or that.

   Instead of "hazard lights" they should be called "sorry for parking like a d!ck, just pickin up some weed, be right back" lights.

   Reasons why I'm still single: ✔ can't date the internet. ✔ can't date my favorite celebrity. ✔ can't date Facebook. ✔ can't date myself..

   That little girl has already made more money than all of us and banged hotter chicks. good on her