Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   Teenage girls usually get upset after discovering they are pregnant, so I console them. "Your boobs will get bigger!"

   i really wish they would start selling buckets of bacon at the movies. popcorn is getting old.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   Hmmm...THAT wasn't EXACTLY what I had in mind when I'd imagined George Clooney in handcuffs! (LOL!) ♥

   The last time I tried to just "be myself" I almost got submitted to a Mental Institute.

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

   Your name is something I could moan during sex.

   Today is Friday the 13th..not so scary...Oh wait....here comes my ex- I change my statement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   You want to punch little, spoiled brats in the face when they just yell at their parents because they want this or that.

   Instead of "hazard lights" they should be called "sorry for parking like a d!ck, just pickin up some weed, be right back" lights.

   Reasons why I'm still single: ✔ can't date the internet. ✔ can't date my favorite celebrity. ✔ can't date Facebook. ✔ can't date myself..

   That little girl has already made more money than all of us and banged hotter chicks. good on her

   Less than 2% of people polled believed former Penn State coach Jerry San-butt-sky's claims of innocence in an interview last night which makes him even less popular than male pole dancing among the American public!

   Dont treat your lady like rubbish or another man will just recycle her

   not every pony grows up to be a Pegasus

   The Pumpkin pie ingredients pumpkin, spice, cinnamon, puree, sugar, Brown sugar actually sound a lot like the lineup at the strip club.

   Billy Joel's "In the Middle of the Night" had to be inspired by a 3am piss.

   facebook sucks for people with attention deficit....oooh, a comment

   Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?