Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a chemical in weed called "F**k it" ---- guess that explains my attitude.

   the Batmobile is for sale on ebay the price is half a million...Anyone want to go in on halfies! :D

   There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

   Money cant buy hapiness..But it can buy a reasonable facsimile so close that the average human being cannot tell the differance

   After I die, I want someone to periodically log in as me so it looks like I'm haunting Facebook.

   I hate people who kiss the boss's ass right after I compliment his new haircut.

   it appears as if Randy Travis has a major problem with alcohol... drunk, naked and threatened to kill the officers that arrested him last night for DUI... and a public intox. last Feb.? Wait, is he in the NBA or NFL???

   Told my wife today she looked sexy with black fingernails Now she thinks I slammed the car door on them on purpose !!!!!

   Instead of bombing terrorist we should just make them watch The Twilight Movies and listen to Justin Bierber's music..

   When in the middle of an argument shut her up by kissing her. Unless it’s a teller at your bank, then she just calls for security.

   I just go on Facebook to see who's pregnant.

   I tried to be normal once. Worst sex I've ever had in my life.

   Facebook is like having your own talk show except you don't get paid and your studio is the bathroom.

   For all you Xbox fans I guess you won't be getting a game console this year but more like a voice and gesture based TV remote box.

   The weather is so hot it just told me I’d make a great friend.

   ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and tell you what I eat on instagram

   So many vain and self-aggrandizing narcissists on Facebook giving themselves compliments about how beautiful, slim and rich they are. Real beautiful people are humble and wait to be complimented by other people.

   If I don't mention you, then the tweet wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bltch up and wear it.

   I don't even drink my first cup of coffee every day, I just pour it over my head like a football coach so everyone knows I'm here to win.

   Hurricane Sandy is Mother Nature's way of preventing another MTV Jersey Shore cast from happening. She's had enough!!!