Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

   Money cant buy hapiness..But it can buy a reasonable facsimile so close that the average human being cannot tell the differance

   After I die, I want someone to periodically log in as me so it looks like I'm haunting Facebook.

   I hate people who kiss the boss's ass right after I compliment his new haircut.

   it appears as if Randy Travis has a major problem with alcohol... drunk, naked and threatened to kill the officers that arrested him last night for DUI... and a public intox. last Feb.? Wait, is he in the NBA or NFL???

   Told my wife today she looked sexy with black fingernails Now she thinks I slammed the car door on them on purpose !!!!!

   Instead of bombing terrorist we should just make them watch The Twilight Movies and listen to Justin Bierber's music..

   There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up, it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap.

   If I do it doggy style I get to multiply every minute I last by ten, right guys?

   bacon shortage?? Well played vegatarians, well played...

   It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorit celeb.

   Dancing on my grave? Over my dead body!!!

   Relax... You'll only be sore for a few days.

   Ladies a real gentleman asks for your name not your number

   Hurricane Sandy is Mother Nature's way of preventing another MTV Jersey Shore cast from happening. She's had enough!!!

   If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two

   I just bought the new vi@gra flavor ice cream...its been 4 hours and it still hasn't melted...

   My lack of Christmas shopping is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right

   Alright kids... Life is going to continue to throw the same lesson at you until you finally learn it, so don't act all surprised when your boyfriend/girlfriend situation explodes in flames like it always does when you keep choosing the same type of clowns

   Men, just because she loves your c ock doesn't mean she's in love with u