Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SHREK is the best fairytale ever, it gives ugly guys hope and teaches them that you don't always have to be the most handsome to get the girl and live happily ever after.

   I'm convinced my physical therapist thinks I'm a cross between "Gumby" and "Stretch Armstrong"....Today I left her office (a.k.a medieval torture chamber) folded into some form of decorative origami. :/

   Every time someone says "Stop" I'm always in two minds, should I respond with "Collaborate and listen/Ice is back with my brand new invention" or "Hammer Time!"...?

   I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.

   This is a fun place so whatever topic you bring up, no matter how sacred or taboo, it WILL be made fun of and ridiculed.

   Some lady, said I was like a cuddly big bear.... Funny, I was just thinking about scrimmaging through some trash cans and mauling some hikers. -_-

   Boba Fett was an embarrassment to us all- Dog the Bounty Hunter

   NFL = No Fans Left

   Every time I feel like saying something I shouldn't . I ask my self, what would the president do? Then I go head and say it.

   How come Sanctuary cities are only effective for one type of criminal?

   I got in touch with my feminine side this morning. I made myself breakfast.

   If you stubbed your toe, it probably was Trump's fault

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me”. So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   Why does sour cream have an expiry date?

   Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: I'll have two McRib sandwiches to go, please.

   What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

   WARNING! If you get an e-mail with the title of "Nude Photo of nancy peelosi" DO NOT OPEN IT! It IS a nude photo of nancy peelosi.

   Why are there 400 bills just sitting on that turtle, McConnell's desk? Talk about do nothing.

   I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

   Nintendo has gotten more kids off the couch in 2 days than Michelle Obama has in 8 years.