Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NFL = No Fans Left

   Every time I feel like saying something I shouldn't . I ask my self, what would the president do? Then I go head and say it.

   How come Sanctuary cities are only effective for one type of criminal?

   I got in touch with my feminine side this morning. I made myself breakfast.

   If you stubbed your toe, it probably was Trump's fault

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me”. So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

   Nintendo has gotten more kids off the couch in 2 days than Michelle Obama has in 8 years.

   Hillary Clinton isn't really sick, lizard people don't get sick....

   FYI....If you are one of those who like the strong silent type....then you're gonna just love my farts!!

   Ok straight up, ladies. I love and respect all of you, but you all know how you can be when you're PMS'n. Do we really want a woman for president. I rest my case ! ! !

   WARNING! If you get an e-mail with the title of "Nude Photo of nancy peelosi" DO NOT OPEN IT! It IS a nude photo of nancy peelosi.

   Why are there 400 bills just sitting on that turtle, McConnell's desk? Talk about do nothing.

   Bernie Sanders is finally in 1st place...for the most missed votes in the 116th congress. (^_~)b

   Why does sour cream have an expiry date?

   Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: I'll have two McRib sandwiches to go, please.

   What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

   if life aint crazy, you aint livin!!!

   you shouldn't listen to other people's foolishness. You should listen to mine.

   Falling in love is like getting drunk. you wake up with a horrible hangover, swearing that you'll never drink again ;-)*