Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to Obamacare, they now have to allow you at least 30 minutes of sleep before Brooklyn.

   My wife wanted two cats but I am the man in this house so we got two cats

   Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer.

   How much is SNL paying Donald Trump to run for President?

   I got in touch with my feminine side today by burning a house down over a text message

   The Dallas Cowboys today announced Al Bundy as their new starting Quarterback.

   These heated seat feels like I'm sh*t*ng my pants! Sir: This car doesn't have heated seats. Does it have napkins?

   Why is our society failing?.. Because the slow gazelle doesn't get eaten anymore.. *see kiddie soccer.

   Sorry I grabbed your crotch while looking for my moral compass.

   Married women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   The squeaky wheel gets the grease but it's also the first one to get replaced.

   Playstation should market a George Zimmerman game

   Nothing tests human willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.

   I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

   just heard the villian in the next Batman movie is a guy who's exposed to high levels of radiation and becomes the Speaker of the House of Representatives

   Can you go out with me? ❒ Yes ❒Maybe ✔No

   I like science. I know for a fact that you have 206 bones, and if you would like one more, I'd be glad to do it.

   There is nothing like bringing the log to the beaver first thing in the morning.

   Sometimes you just have to accept you can`t win every battle , no matter how hard you try .. but just because you lost a battle doesn`t mean you can`t win the war.

   Bosses are like diapers, always full of s****t and usually on your a$$ (^-^)