Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scones are just uppity biscuits...

   Thanks alot Mark Fuckerberg. Just had to poop without Facebook like I was some kind of cave man.

   So if oil is made from decomposed dinosaurs, and plastic is made from oil...then plastic dinosaurs are made from REAL dinosaurs?

   All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades..

   I went to a diner last night & the waitress asked "is pepsi okay?" I said I don't know!! did something happen?

   Me: My butt fell asleep sitting on the toilet. Wife: Yeah, I know. I heard it snoring.

   According to Obamacare, they now have to allow you at least 30 minutes of sleep before Brooklyn.

   My wife wanted two cats but I am the man in this house so we got two cats

   Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer.

   How much is SNL paying Donald Trump to run for President?

   I got in touch with my feminine side today by burning a house down over a text message

   The Dallas Cowboys today announced Al Bundy as their new starting Quarterback.

   These heated seat feels like I'm sh*t*ng my pants! Sir: This car doesn't have heated seats. Does it have napkins?

   Why is our society failing?.. Because the slow gazelle doesn't get eaten anymore.. *see kiddie soccer.

   Sorry I grabbed your crotch while looking for my moral compass.

   Married women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   The squeaky wheel gets the grease but it's also the first one to get replaced.

   Playstation should market a George Zimmerman game

   Nothing tests human willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.