Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was gonna update my status, but then I got high.

   I'm Mexican, but I'm not "I'll cut your grass for 20 bucks" Mexican.

   I'm "it's 8:30 and you wanna start a movie this late?" years old.

   I once masturbated to a nude pic of Kim Kadarshian and caught herpes.

   Somebody stop the planet, I want to get off!

   It appears Bruce Jenner is also driving like a womam ......

   A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell.

   Ronda Rousy has challenged Bill Cosby to see who can knock out a woman faster.

   Good guys are like a thong on a fat girl....hard to find :)

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you.

   Trying to pop a zit in the middle of my back with bar-b-que tongs and a mirror.....sucks living alone.

   My middle finger gets a stiffy when I think of you

   My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

   If you've never seen an elephant ski you've never been on acid..........

   I had a FULL SLAB of chicken RIBS for lunch, and I'm still hungry.

   It goes in dry, it comes out wet. The longer it stays in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and it starts to sag - It's not what you think... it's a Tetley's Tea Bag!!

   FYI: Do not buy Activia yogurt if you do not need it for the reasons advertised. Not even if it's on sale and you have a $1 coupon and it's double coupon daze at the store...unless you like stabbing abdominal pains and blaming lots of stuff on the dog.

   Eating all of the marshmellows out of someones Lucky Charms is the highest form of disrespect.

   Can the govt mge health care? I think not, look at the cash 4 clunkers. Mths after it ended dealers were still not paid. Guess the docs will wait 6 + months to receive their pymt. The cash 4 clunkers was a blip on the radar in size compared to health care

   If you love to make your own homemade beef jerky, don't get a vanity tag for your vehicle that says "LUV2JERK." People will laugh at you.