Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my words fail, I try interpretive dancing... that usual works

   remembering when it was cool to date a cheerleader.. now i`m 30 and it`s creepy?

   Google+ is going to Myspace facebook... Yes, I used Myspace as a verb.

   A dog made out of diamonds would be everyone's best friend.

   Did you ever see one of them chicks who looked like they put all their make up on a dirty concrete floor and just dove face 1st into it?

   A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

   Went on a scavenger hunt. Bagged six scavengers.

   Boobs… I was fixin' to write something clever… Boobs… What was I talking about? …Boobs. Forget it; it wasn't important.

   "Lick it or ticket." - horny cop.

   Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends.. JUST LIKE HITLER!

   hey rerun....ummmm, I mean stoner dudee. this is a website for new material, not yesterdays funnies.

   A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

   Lick me like a lollipop.....but don't mistaken me for a sucker.

   No guy in the history of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a little.

   My Bucket List: 1. Never Pay Taxes 2. Avoid Jail That's all I got so far.

   This old lady dropped a grocery bag leaving the store today. My girlfriend told me "Don't just stand there" .....so I started to point and laugh.

   Would I bring a knife to a gunfight? Sure. Maybe some potato chips, too. I mean, they were kind enough to invite me to their fight.

   The voices in my head declined my friend request.

   tonight we get to time travel & wont even need a delorean

   "Danger" is my middle name!! Unfortunately "Stranger" is my first.