Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hey rerun....ummmm, I mean stoner dudee. this is a website for new material, not yesterdays funnies.

   A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

   Lick me like a lollipop.....but don't mistaken me for a sucker.

   No guy in the history of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a little.

   My Bucket List: 1. Never Pay Taxes 2. Avoid Jail That's all I got so far.

   This old lady dropped a grocery bag leaving the store today. My girlfriend told me "Don't just stand there" .....so I started to point and laugh.

   Would I bring a knife to a gunfight? Sure. Maybe some potato chips, too. I mean, they were kind enough to invite me to their fight.

   The voices in my head declined my friend request.

   tonight we get to time travel & wont even need a delorean

   "Danger" is my middle name!! Unfortunately "Stranger" is my first.

   Of course I would die for you honey. Example? Uhhhh.... I would rather jump into an alligator pit and eaten alive, than listen to you B*TCH for another second. How did I do?

   Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. We're not sure if Lady Gaga has one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but never uses it. What is it? A last name.

   Technically wouldn't all of Denver be in the mile high club?

   My girlfriend is pissed at me because she said that I never something something and that she has something somethings too.

   I remember the first habit I picked up. The other nuns just stared in horror!

   The next person to cough near me is getting a spork to their eyeball.

   If He-Man had the power of Grayskull, how come he had such a crappy haircut?

   Maury Povich just announced a special "baby's daddy" episode for Snookie..suddenly 284 men are doing a lot of subtraction!

   Lot of men don't realize the true worth of their wives.........until a judge decides the alimony amount

   Wouldn't it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?