Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I f*cked a fat chick in an elevator...it was wrong on so many levels.

   TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (

   saw a butterfly today with no wings, so I poured red bull on it and BAMMMM... it died :(

   ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒ Fidel Castro ❒ Hugo Chavez ❒ Justin Beiber

   FACT: There is nothing that says “douchebag” better than a Facebook profile picture of your car.

   I just bought a Dyson ball cleaner.......I should read the intructions because I'm pretty sure I'm not usng it properly

   My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves,"You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   Just sitting here thinking. We don't need more religion, we have plenty. What we need are more Christians, living a Christ like life!

   I woke up on the sexy side of the bed this morning !

   Know why Trump doesn't wear glasses? He has 2020 vision.

   ❒Flossin' ❒Ballin' ✔Bill Gaten'

   last night I prayed for the Lord to stop me from going bald, and to regrow hair. This morning I woke up with a 6 inch hair growing out my ear. Well played Lord, Well played

   You see son, when two girls love each other very much they have this CUP…

   Today's tip: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! That is all.

   And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math..."

   this isn't the status you're looking for

   Once you go black you never go back. Well once you go white you get your credit score right...!!!

   Men dressed as women to use a womens bathroom is not gay rights.