Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

   People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become God.

   In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.

   For invisible powers that actually work maybe churches should consider installing wifi.

   “Don't worry boss, I'll make you look like a genius!!” Joe Biden

   The President's approval ratings are so low that the people in Kenya are now accusing him of being born in the United States !!!

   Someone walked up to me today and handed me a bible. So I flipped it open and autographed it. As I handed it back to the lady (who looked very confused), I smiled and said.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   The problem isn’t government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.

   I don't need to post political things anymore. Trump has already won the election.

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 45 minute flute solo.

   I f*cked a fat chick in an elevator...it was wrong on so many levels.

   TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (

   saw a butterfly today with no wings, so I poured red bull on it and BAMMMM... it died :(

   ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Osama Bin Ladden ✔ Moammar Gadhafi ✔Kim Jong IL ❒ Fidel Castro ❒ Hugo Chavez ❒ Justin Beiber

   FACT: There is nothing that says “douchebag” better than a Facebook profile picture of your car.

   I just bought a Dyson ball cleaner.......I should read the intructions because I'm pretty sure I'm not usng it properly

   My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves,"You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   Just sitting here thinking. We don't need more religion, we have plenty. What we need are more Christians, living a Christ like life!