Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Slut (Noun) - A woman with the morals of a man.

   I found a typo on these Fruit Loops. For the serving size it says 3/4 "cup." They totally spelled "box" wrong.

   I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.

   If you missed the 3 seasons of McCain's funeral you can now watch it on Netflix.

   If you caught a terrorist the same week of his crime instead of using it as a pretext to invade two countries, You Just Pulled An Obama

   Want to keep your man from cheating on you, give him more BJs and make him more sandwiches and reduce nagging by 100%

   swimming like a sperm with a purpose!

   wounders If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

   snow on da ground, snow on da ground, lookin' like a fool with yo car spun around.

   My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness.

   Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

   People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become God.

   In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.

   For invisible powers that actually work maybe churches should consider installing wifi.

   “Don't worry boss, I'll make you look like a genius!!” Joe Biden

   The President's approval ratings are so low that the people in Kenya are now accusing him of being born in the United States !!!

   Someone walked up to me today and handed me a bible. So I flipped it open and autographed it. As I handed it back to the lady (who looked very confused), I smiled and said.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   The problem isn’t government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.

   I don't need to post political things anymore. Trump has already won the election.

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 45 minute flute solo.