Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bye Bye Moammar!.....Hussein☑ Bin Laden ☑ Ghadafi ☑ Nancy Pelosi ☐ ツ

   To the person who affixed the word coffee to the word cake, thereby justifying the eating of cake for breakfast....I salute you unnamed hero of the unhealthy

   If girls think giving birth is hard try playing call of duty on a laggy server

   a case of the Mondays when all he wants is a case of beer.

   Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

   You know the world is messed up when the worlds best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, the tallest man in the NBA is asian and the girl with the highest voice is Justin Biber.

   Calling all my ex girlfriends today to tell them I have herpes. I don't really have it, I just don't want any of them to sleep with other people.

   When ever my wife says I got you something,i think"great what kind of useless thing did you buy me with my money"...

   The best thing about Africa is that you never get Facebook updates about what people are eating.

   Hey, to whoever invented the zero: Thanks for nothing!

   I'd rather have six more weeks of winter than six more weeks of Obama.

   Obama has 99 problems but Mitt ain't one.

   Why does everyone think my Dad's are gay?

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "ooo yes please, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   What do Moslim men do during foreplay? A: Tickle the camel under the chin

   I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

   If you're out of high school and making min wage, you're doing it wrong.

   i spent $1 at the bar last night......156 times!!!!!!

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   Just watched a porn parody of Paranormal Activity. I was scared stiff.