Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather have six more weeks of winter than six more weeks of Obama.

   Obama has 99 problems but Mitt ain't one.

   Why does everyone think my Dad's are gay?

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "ooo yes please, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   What do Moslim men do during foreplay? A: Tickle the camel under the chin

   I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

   If you're out of high school and making min wage, you're doing it wrong.

   i spent $1 at the bar last night......156 times!!!!!!

   Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!

   Just watched a porn parody of Paranormal Activity. I was scared stiff.

   Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and shi!s!

   Sometimes I laugh so hard that tears run down my leg!

   Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family

   When a Chick inboxes me, I take 3 weeks to respond to it. That'll fu*k her Ego up!

   One look at Megan Fox, and you know God is a man

   The Judge in the Zimmerman trial looks like Chris Farley

   If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger . . .

   "Cheating" is such a harsh word. I prefer "Monogamously Challenged".

   if I wanted any lip from you, i'd rattle my zipper..