Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do they have "Slow Children" Crossing so many roads.

   believes "Law and Order" should feature the characters from Scooby Doo - well at least for one episode.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   The safest place to live in your neighborhood is next door to the serial killer.

   Thanks motion sensor restroom sinks,,, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.000001 seconds anyway

   We should just invite ISIS over to help us purge our history for us, they are great at it...

   The only advantage of an old enemy is that they can distract you from the devilment of new ones.

   The only reason the national nightly news is still on is to show all the new drug commercials.

   Canadian rockers Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are separating after 2 years of marriage... which I think is 4.4 after converting from metric...

   I’m bringing sexy back for a refund.

   I just realized how poor I really am...I just caught myselt turning dollar store ziplock bags inside out in the sink to wash them for re-use. :-(

   There are some people you'll never see again, but they're never the right ones.

   I remember a happier time… Like when I was still sleeping.

   This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

   Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

   I need to start dressing for the job I want, not the job I have........... *puts on Jedi outfit and waits patiently*

   Do people that go outside know they could die and stuff?

   Sweet Lord Almighty, thanks to this European Satellite that fell on top of my trailer, I can now cancel Direct Tv

   You're not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it

   I love it when someone takes a good joke and make it even better. Keep it up guys.