Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just unlocked the "Restraining Order" badge by stalking people who use 4square.

   Just when you finally get to that moment you've been waiting for all your life, somebody yells "Time's up!"

   just heard that Lady Gaga will top her last performance by rebirthing....Special Guest: Octomom...

   Why do they have "Slow Children" Crossing so many roads.

   believes "Law and Order" should feature the characters from Scooby Doo - well at least for one episode.

   I know its true love when I like you even when I'm sober.

   I don't know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.

   Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

   Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.

   My wife and I didn't know the handles on the mattress are to MOVE it!! We've been totally misusing them this whole time!

   Dear P0rnhub, A category called "oh, you have kids?" with videos no longer than 3 minutes. Thanks, Parents

   ou can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   Not only am I saying I am out of your league, but we don't even play the same sport.

   My biggest regret in life is missing you..., When I backed up

   Email your congressman and demand recognition for Precedents Day! So what if we never had one before.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   The safest place to live in your neighborhood is next door to the serial killer.

   Thanks motion sensor restroom sinks,,, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.000001 seconds anyway

   We should just invite ISIS over to help us purge our history for us, they are great at it...

   The only advantage of an old enemy is that they can distract you from the devilment of new ones.