Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some guy says to his teenage daughter “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she says, “what are they?”

   When you hear a classic song on TV pimping the Swiffer and you tell your kid you think it's cool, then you are officially a nerdy parent.

   Most things are easier said than done, I wish it was the other way around.

   If your sex manual says, "sex only in beds" you obviously have the Beginner's Edition!

   Slugs: are just homeless, snails.

   Strive to make your dreams and your reality one and the same!

   The only difference between a sink and urinal is an opinion

   The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

   Some people need to realize that having fat on their bodies doesn't make them fat - it makes them alive.

   Mom, you know I love you, but I am not adding you on facebook.

   I just unlocked the "Restraining Order" badge by stalking people who use 4square.

   Just when you finally get to that moment you've been waiting for all your life, somebody yells "Time's up!"

   just heard that Lady Gaga will top her last performance by rebirthing....Special Guest: Octomom...

   Why do they have "Slow Children" Crossing so many roads.

   believes "Law and Order" should feature the characters from Scooby Doo - well at least for one episode.

   I know its true love when I like you even when I'm sober.

   I don't know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.

   Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

   Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.

   My wife and I didn't know the handles on the mattress are to MOVE it!! We've been totally misusing them this whole time!